Stupid is as stupid does in BU’s past, present

Stupid people really bug me. Of course, it’s usually easy to spot stupid people because they are wearing a baseball cap sideways, have gum stuck in their hair or are blonde. But, not everybody can be easily recognized as Boston College students, which is why there are stupid people roaming the streets today, instead of locked up in camps where they would be given circles of paper and safety crayons. Unfortunately we can’t do that in this country because when those idiots were writing the Constitution, they forgot to add a clause that states “Any jackass who lets his cell phone go off in a movie theater should be flogged.”

Have you ever noticed how stupid people can have an enormous impact on your life, regardless of anything you do? For instance, the kid in the room next door discovers it’s really funny when he blows up hotdogs in the microwave, and his giddy laughter keeps you up all night, and you end up failing your midterm. Or how about the fact that we can’t have cable in the dorms because CGS kids watch cartoons and then try to drop anvils on each other.

Y’see, stupid people impact your life everyday, and in ways you can’t even comprehend. Still think stupid people don’t affect you? (Remember when that idiot bumped into you yesterday and smeared “fudge” on your sweater? You’ll find out why that sucks tomorrow when you have the plague). Just take a look at famous stupid moments in Boston University’s history, and tell me if they haven’t been a pain in your ass.

— John Silber loses $2 million to a strip club slot machine; to avoid having his kneecaps broken he sells our football team.

— The BU Board of Trustees rolls a fat one, then decides to make the symbol of our school a terrier. We subsequently end up with a frickin’ yippy dog as our mascot.

— While unloading his new big screen TV from his car, Jon Westling drops the 50-pound box on his foot. In his post-injury rage, he decides TV sucks and students should never be allowed to watch it.

— A student makes a deal with the devil. The next day we have a School of Management.

— Free Press columnist Denise Spellman insults Free Press columnist Grant Myers. Bloody civil war engulfs BU.

— Architects decide to save time and money by constructing Warren Towers out of cardboard and Styrofoam. So, 23,000 freshmen die in elevator “accidents.” (Think that one doesn’t concern you? The bodies were disposed of in the cafeteria.)

If you really want to see stupid people in action though, go to the make-your-own-waffle table in a BU dining hall. This concept is stupid on so many levels. First, BU should know better than to let students use big pieces of hot metal for cooking purposes (by the way, why can’t I have a toaster in my room — a device that could barely crisp a piece of charcoal — but I can use a waffle iron — a device that could cauterize my severed leg — in the cafeteria?) Second, anybody is allowed to use it (c’mon, that kid on my hall who eats Elmer’s glue should at least be prohibited from that). And third, they only have the waffle table twice a month (if you’re gonna do it, do it every day, because then the stupid kids will begin to learn from their mistakes. C’mon, if you want to train a monkey to wait on you, you don’t have him make a martini just twice a month).

For those of you who have never experienced the make-your-own-waffle table, let me give you the specs: there’s a table with a bucket of batter and a waffle iron and you make your own waffle (just for the record, if you need an explanation of the “make-your-own-waffle table,” you are stupid). Anyway, there are simple instructions at the table:

1) Out one ladle of batter in the waffle iron.

2) Close the waffle iron.

3) Take out the waffle when it beeps.

Of course, these instructions baffle everybody. I have seen people put five (yes, five!) ladles of batter in the waffle iron. In case you have never seen this (which you wouldn’t, because you probably had the common sense to not put five freakin’ ladles in the waffle iron), the batter overflows the waffle iron at two ladles, leaving the following three ladles to flood the cafeteria floor and create a tidal wave that kills innocent bystanders up to a mile away.

Step two baffles the stupid kids even more apparently, because they leave the waffle iron open. I guess it’s understandable, because the waffle iron resembles the family summertime barbecue, oh so much, and the batter looks just like a hamburger.

Step three, amazingly, only baffles engineering students, because they keep waiting for the WAFFLE to beep. Oh Lord, help us. Oh well, I guess next time I just shouldn’t stand behind Denise Spellman in the waffle line.