Maulings, midget mania and mullet men

When the clock strikes 2:30 a.m., every BU student finds his or herself once again pondering an issue of grand philosophical importance: “What the hell are we going to do now?” (And if you are at Lansdowne Street, you may also be asking why that guy is wearing skin tight purple velvet capri python pants trimmed in muskrat fur.)

Since the dawn of time, man has pondered deep philosophical questions; “Are we alone in the universe?” and “How can a benevolent God allow Kathie Lee Gifford access to a recording studio?” Of course, questions like these eventually stopped being asked, because the ’60s ended and marijuana laws started being enforced.

Unfortunately, this left college students with nothing else to do at 4 a.m. on Saturday but sit around and wonder who got sick and missed the toilet.

Then the ’90s happened and a whole new level of intellectual curiosity was born in the form of Internet search engines. Now students were free to seek answers to the most complex philosophical questions ever, just by typing key words. For example:

Question: What is the meaning of life?

Answer (click one for more information):

– What day is it?

– Meanings of commonly misunderstood words?

-Where can I find nightlife in Guam?

– Encyclopedia Britannica — Mel Brooks

OK, so maybe that doesn’t work as well as passing a doobie in a candlelit room, which probably explains why college students just end up going clubbing instead of pondering man’s purpose in life.

So, in an effort to avoid the late-night activities of previous generations (“Dude, how can you miss the bowl?”), students at BU begin the search for enlightenment at 3 a.m.

This entertainment comes in three forms:

1)Wasting time

2)Time wasting

3)Midgets, mullets, and maulings

Please note that wasting time is not the same thing as time-wasting. Time-wasting is what you do when you’ve got 10 minutes to kill before class. Wasting time is going to that class. Of course, you can waste time before class, and during class you can be time-wasting, and at the same time-wasting time, but if and only if you haven’t wasted enough time wasting that time. Understand? Now say it three times fast.

I’m dizzy. Anyway, it’s easier to just explain this whole quandary with one simple word:

SNOOD.

(NOTE: if you do not know what Snood is, then drop the paper and run. Run now! Save yourself! Forget the women and children and just get the hell out of dodge!) Snood is the ultimate time-wasting device. As a matter of fact, it has been scientifically proven that if Snood is played long enough it will actually create a black hole that will suck any and all things into a dimension where time does not exist. Either that, or you’ll have a freakin’ seizure from staring at those little creepy faces for 13 hours.

Editor’s note: Go to www.snood.com. Change your life.

And then there are midgets. Everybody loves midgets. It’s actually a mental condition: college student midget obsession, or CSMO, as it is commonly referred to. CSMO is a member of the same strain as LAM syndrome (Laugh at Mullets syndrome). Midgets, mullets and maulings is the simple way of summarizing what you will find if you spend enough time online. It’s broken down into the three categories because they characterize nearly 100 percent of what you will find: midgets (including dwarfs, leprechauns and Ross Perot), mullets (the most popular hairstyle of pick-up truck drivers and NRA members) and maulings (anything that makes you say “sweet-holy-lord-please-make-it-stop!”).

Editor’s note: Go to Midgetville, New York, nestled in the heart of lovely Long Island. Change your life.

Let’s be honest, we’ve all sat around with our friends and spent seven hours at that website that has the pictures of three-foot mullets and exploding cow heads (not to mention the “Mousetrap Olympics”). These websites do not qualify as time-wasting/wasting time because at least you are learning something (even if it is that rabid shaft badgers and small children don’t mix). Plus, a good mullet is never a waste of time. Just ask Wesley Willis. And at least it gives you an alibi when the RA asks if you’re the one who puked in the sink.