Up until about high school, I used to delight in the fact that I was an early bird. I remember being a fat little kid wholly content with waking up at the break of dawn on a Saturday morning to catch the green and gooey antics of Gumby. Later in the morning, mom and dad would wake up, make some coffee and start their days. I would always partake in this daily ritual of theirs. However, they would mix up or pour me a tall glass of cold chocolate milk instead of serving me the piping hot java they enjoyed. I never understood why they would drink a hot caffeinated beverage every morning until I, too, began to force myself out of bed to face the daily chores of life. For this reason, every morning, I must awaken myself just as my parents did.
Strangely enough, however, I never did take lightly to the taste of their typical morning brew and, quite honestly, if I had time to prepare a healthy breakfast every morning, I wouldn’t. I am more of a lunch guy. This leaves me drinking the sweet cold beverage of my childhood. The thing is, now that my parents are not picking up my mix, I must do it myself. This task has proved even more daunting than being forced to listen to Louie Anderson, Jerry Lewis and Gilbert Godfrey confront each other in a shouting match.
When I first set foot into the drink mix aisle of my local supermarket, I nearly fell to the ground because I had slipped on a freshly mopped floor. After regaining my composure and finding the chocolate mixes on the shelf, I realized that I was in way over my head. Before me were the brands Ovaltine, Bosco, Carnation, Nestle, Hershey and Slim-Fast. Not only were there too many brands to choose from, but there were various choices involving things such as powder, syrup, serving size and packaging to be made.
I was able to eliminate a few choices immediately. I have experienced Carnation’s Instant Breakfast. This powdery mess barely resembles chocolate milk when mixed and is not a suitable substitute for my favorite breakfast of steak (cooked medium-well with sautéed onions and mushrooms) and (two dozen, scrambled) eggs. Also, the word “instant” is a bit misleading. I would expect the beverage to mix itself at the snap of my fingers. Sweating over a glass of milk while vigorously stirring in seven heaping spoons of mix is not my definition of instant.
The next two off my list were Ovaltine and Bosco. Both are considered classics by the baby boomer generation and I don’t care. Ovaltine is not even a powder; it is more of a granule-like substance packaged in an amber jar. This frightens me. Bosco. What is there to say, really? I refuse to ingest something that sounds like the name of a serial-killing circus performer or a demented farmer’s pet cow. Lastly, immediately off my list of choices was the Slim-Fast. Look, I am drinking chocolate. If I wanted to lose weight, I would just spend my money on joining a fitness club, not diabetic liquid poison.
Not too surprisingly, this left me with the big two, the moguls of the chocolate mix world, the mass production kings of the wondrous cocoa bean: Nestle and Hershey. Making a call here is surely no simple task. One company has a brown cartoon bunny as its spokesperson and the other has a theme park in Pennsylvania. Nestle recently updated the look and name of their product, Nestle’s Quik to the much more snappy NesQuik; its available in mammoth wholesale warehouse-sized containers that can easily last a family of four a few decades or so. I do not really enjoy powdered mixes, however. It always seems impossible to properly mix that muddy powder sludge at the bottom of my glass. This substance serves as a great alternative to fertilizer when used on Chia Pets. The syrup form of NesQuik comes in a bunny-shaped bottle complete with a blue and yellow label. That’s … nice.
Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, on the other hand, comes in two different forms of packaging. A container with a plastic lid (perfect for spooning syrup onto ice cream) and a plain squeezable bottle are the weapons at Hershey’s disposal. Both are bland and brown, just like their contents. Did I mention the theme park in Pennsylvania yet?
When all is said and done, I usually walk out of the supermarket with the brand that is on sale. However, if I had to make a choice amongst the aforementioned products under the pressure of a firing brigade, I would have to cop out and go with Yoo-Hoo Chocolate Drink. That’s right: I would take a bullet for that smooth, delicious, and refreshing taste that America has enjoyed in both canned and bottled form since the ’20s. With a plethora of flavors ranging from chocolate-mint to coconut, Yoo-Hoo remains 99.9% fat free. Yoo-Hoo Chocolate Drink is often imitated, but it is never duplicated.
Anthony Q. Casasnovas is often willing to plug any chocolate-based beverage for the right price. Did he mention the theme park yet?
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