So, tax season is upon us, and the time to file is soon. Notice I said “soon” and not “now,” because you still have a full month to put it off until the last minute. Procrastinating in a situation like this is not recommended but inevitable, as there is no fighting laziness. Until that fateful 10 minutes before the post office closes on April 15, here are some tips to keep in mind when mentally preparing to file.
If at all possible, get a family member to do your taxes, preferably a human family member (not that your cat wouldn’t do a better job than you, but it’s best not to take chances). My mother has been doing my taxes for the past seven years, and she does a damn fine job. She doesn’t charge anything, and she can forge my signature better than anyone I know. This is above and beyond the service you might receive when using an accountant, who usually requests sexual favors in addition to the regular fees.
If you decide to use an accountant, either because you dabble in the flesh trade or sell low-grade narcotics to senior citizens, try to find one that suits your lifestyle. If you’re a corporate CEO who’s trying to run your business into the ground, eventually selling all of your stock and earning millions, I would suggest using whatever firm Enron used. Oh sure, Ken Lay is currently a figure of public scrutiny, but as soon as the terrorists attack us again, he will be conveniently forgotten and wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. Schemes like this don’t get much more rock-solid, which is why I’m so eager to pass this advice on.
Should you be an orphan with so meager an income that you can barely support yourself, let alone a leech — I mean, an accountant — you are forced to either do your taxes yourself or not do them at all. As hard as it may seem to believe, the IRS will not take pity on you because of your lack of family or financial prosperity, so skipping tax season is not an option. In fact, if they do find out that you didn’t file your taxes, your fate will most likely involve the words “top secret experiments” and “mutant freakazoid.”
When filing on your own, you have a variety of options. You can take a stroll down to the post office or the public library and pick up a copy of the forms, which you can later fill out while drinking whiskey sours and watching “SpongeBob Squarepants” in your underwear. Or you can file online, which means there’s no need to even leave your house — plus, it eliminates pants from the equation entirely. This option is recommended not only for its clothing-optional convenience, but it also provides an opportunity to incorrectly file your best friend’s tax return to get back at him for banging your girlfriend while you were passed out in the same bed. That bastard.
I’m going to skip the third option of pretending to do your taxes in your head while actually downloading MP3s off the Internet, if not for its ridiculousness, then for its all too tempting possibility.
Filling out your taxes by hand is a tedious process that involves many, many seconds, and in order to speed up this process, my advice is to ignore the directions entirely, and instead, insert various lyrics of whatever Beatles album you happen to be listening to at the time. Your IRS agent will smile knowingly when he sees that you’ve entered your name as Sgt. Pepper and your address as “69 Long and Winding Rd.” For added amusement, claim Sexy Sadie and Bungalow Bill as your dependents and wait for the refund money to come rolling in.
For those of you who chose the easy, paperless route, you are wise beyond your years (and by this, I mean sloth-like in your lethargy). There are several online sites available to help you file quickly and painlessly, starting with www.irs.gov. This official IRS website, while spying on you using secret webcam technology, offers links to other websites it does not promote but encourages you to use (I gave up on trying to figure out how you encourage but not promote something). Avoid any site that boasts the phrase, “Will cost you a lot of money and possibly a loved one,” and instead find a sketchy but free online tax service.
www.free1040taxreturn.com is a great site I browsed through while waiting for porn to download. There are a few confusing sections, however. For instance, when you check the box marked “I am blind,” a new window pops up that says, “If you’re so blind, how did you see which box to check?” But by checking off the box marked, “This return is for a deceased person,” you can effectively eliminate yourself from the vicious tax loop forever. The computer won’t question your integrity when answering falsely, and more importantly, neither will I.
The boat is now set to sail on this voyage of claims and deductions, unless of course you hate metaphors, and I sincerely hope I’ve given you some insight on preparing a successful, stress-free tax return. May your dependents be many, and your audits free of resulting criminal charges.
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