Finding Silber’s Letter ‘Enlightening’

I am a horrible person.

I say this because I am guilty. Guilty of an atrocious, insensitive breach of respect and dignity. It is painful to admit, but I have, in the past, been involved in “trysting” in security-guarded BU dorms. Despite the fact that, for a short time, my “fun and games” prevented my partner’s suitemates from passing through her room to use the bathroom, I, at the time, thought my actions were acceptable. I figured that if her suitemates had an objection, they could always let us know.

However, thanks to the enlightening letter from Chancellor John Silber in Monday’s Daily Free Press, I understand now just how wrong I was. He informed me that, even though BU students are legally adults, they do not have the power to ask another student to leave the room. Furthermore, I have learned from Mr. Silber that BU students should never bother learning the totally useless skills required for living with others and asserting oneself. If something is bothering us, we obviously do not and should not complain or confront the perpetrators. Our chancellor is right: We should be guided and protected at all times, rather than learn to cope ourselves. Once we graduate, all of those problems must instantly go away, since we are no longer so closely supervised.

Good thing my sin was limited by the dorm security. Thank God I did not choose a sexual partner from my own dorm, because then I might have interrupted my roommate’s sleeping and studying by bringing my partner in for “lovemaking” sessions constantly! This would have proved disastrous, since, as previously stated, my roommate must be incapable of asserting himself and would have surely ended up failing out of school and dying of sleep deprivation rather than let me know he objected to my activities. He would have, of course, been forced to be a “voyeur.” As Mr. Silber has shown me, roommates are only capable of sitting in silent discomfort as they are interrupted by the fevered monkey-sex going on across the room from them. I would have sorely regretted acting on my mistaken belief that “intimate relationships” should be “engaged in as public performances.” Good thing the chancellor let me know how wrong I was! It was just in time too, because I was making plans to spend some “quality time” in the middle of Marsh Plaza tomorrow at noon!

After all, coitus is the only reason people of the opposite sex would ever want to visit another BU dorm, especially after midnight. I, for one, have never wished to hang out with a friend or study buddy from outside my dorm. It’s also a known fact that college students never have a significant other visit to talk or offer emotional support during a difficult time. We all need to be guarded because the moment someone of our preferred gender walks into our dorm, we are reduced to slobbering dogs in heat who can do nothing but hump each other’s legs. Thank you for pointing that out, Mr. Chancellor.

But wait. I just realized the Guest Policy does nothing to prevent me from engaging in “fun and games” with anyone who lives in my dorm. Hmmm. Well, it must be OK then! Excuse me while I go look around my building for Silber-endorsed sexual partners! It’s going to suck to be my powerless roommate now that I’ve figured that out, huh?