FOX’s ‘Celebrity Boxing’ Is A Pop-Culture KO

Television is a mirror of ourselves and our history. When I watch an episode of “All in the Family” with it’s harsh video look and faded colors, it shows me a place that existed once. It was both an entertaining show for viewers in the 1970s, and an actual experience of that time. What will my children think if they ever see a rerun of Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing”? Perhaps they will wonder, with concern in their voices, “Daddy, why is Greg Brady so sad?” Because, dear children, he got whooped by Danny Partridge.

“Celebrity Boxing” might have left Peter and Bobby sullen, but from 9 to 10 p.m. last Wednesday, you could not slap the smile off my face. Fox finally ripped off an idea worth stealing. “Greed” was more boring than “Millionaire.” The only good thing about “The Chamber” was that John McEnroe was not the host. But “Celebrity Boxing,” while not as entertaining as the fatalities in MTV’s “Celebrity Deathmatch,” happily lacked commercials featuring MTV.

Perhaps “Celebrity Boxing” is a misnomer. The featured pugilists — Barry Williams, Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges, Rob Van Winkle, Tonya Harding and Paula Jones — were celebrities, which is what I feared might be a problem. They were celebrities, many years ago. Within the past couple of years, they have only made (small) headlines when they broke the law. As time passed, there were more child stars with lives to ruin, more lame rappers and even a few figure skaters knee-deep (ha) in controversy. The proverbial 15 minutes were gone. So what drove these fallen figures to the squared circle, besides money? Time in the spotlight. While Barry William’s dejected look drove Jerry Mathers to tears, Bonaduce wore a sick smile throughout. He looked like one of the Joker’s victims. Vanilla Ice walked to the ring with “Ice Ice Baby” playing. His opponent, Todd Bridges, arrived even more triumphantly to a reworked version of the “Diff’rent Strokes” theme. Tonya Harding was all too happy to beat on Paula Jones. Jones realized about 30 seconds into the first round that this match was not such a good idea and hid behind the referee until he ended the fight

Not a good idea? Tell that to 15.48 million viewers. This was the third most successful special this year devoted to celebrities, trailing only the wacky (Carol Burnett) and the unsettling (Michael Jackson). Jone’s too-late repentance ended a triptych of matches that made for great television. Two men with no shame — Williams and Bonaduce — duked it out until one realized the parody he had become. Another two, Bridges and Van Winkle, had nothing to lose. The victor gained the respect of the tens of rabid fans. Ok, they weren’t rabid, but they were exhibiting flu-like symptoms. How else do you explain the sign “Bonaduce for President”? It’s not possible that Fox gave out such signs.

The most talked about match of the night, Harding and Jones — the battle of the nose jobs — made me do something I have never done before and probably won’t do again. I felt bad for Paula Jones. My heart grew three sizes that night as I realized this was just some nice lady from the South. She could be someone’s mom. During the barrage of Harding’s fists of fury, Paula might have thought “Why me?” Because this was the only way America could see her as something other than a floozy from Arkansas, on Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing.” Luckily for us, the show was touted as the “first annual,” and while that might be a bit presumptuous on Fox’s part, it means there will be plenty of opportunities for other has-beens to attain human emotion, victory, and yes, even redemption. To boot, the special is being broadcast again tonight at 8.

With such weighty words behind us, let’s look at some matches I’d like to see …

I cannot begin to explain my hatred for this character, but know that it is deep and torrid. My wrath will involve poisoned cheese and glue traps. I would avoid watching “Chip n’ Dale: Rescue Rangers,” the commercials for it and even the video game. That is how much I hate this creature.

While a tag team involving Golden Girls is not usually my slice of cheesecake, I would gladly pay to see Bea bust out of the Anaconda a la Jonah. Then White can utter the best line ever, “If I had a d***, this is where I’d tell you to suck it.” Rock.

The ultimate showdown of integrity against expected tired jokes. Can readership be pleased with odd references and cynical humor, or will they beg for comments about cell phones, the T, drunk freshman girls, and everyone at SMG? At stake — nothing but the lowest common denominator.

Are you tough enough to figure out a 2-letter word for purple? Duude. Just give up, read Dilbert and plan your day around your horoscope because today is an 8!