Network TV is stalking me. It’s following my every move, reading my mind and even opening my mail. No, wait, that’s just the mailroom staff that’s stealing my subscription to SPIN. But the whole stalking bit, that’s definitely Network TV.
CBS, ABC, NBC and, most blatantly, FOX are out to get me. Slowly but surely they are ruining everything I enjoy about television. Make no mistake, they know the shows I like and are determined to remove each and every one of them.
“The Family Guy”: gone. “Futurama”: gone. “Politically Incorrect”: gone. “Charles in Charge”: well, it had to happen some day. These are my favorite shows, shows that are witty, clever (okay, so maybe not that last one) and push the envelope of a media outlet that is across the board dull and uncreative. Most sitcoms are as predictably bad as dining hall manicotti (it’s supposed to be crunchy, right?), and network news consists of several attractive talking heads sensationalizing every goddamn thing they can think of. Ooh, little Timmy fell off his bike. It’s a freakin’ news story! It has gotten to the point where Fox News and my ass are virtually indistinguishable.
Now, I am aware that the networks promote or drop shows according to ratings. Although their actions seem random and uncalled for, they are simply giving the viewers what the viewers want to watch, even if it is crap. Perhaps I should blame the American TV audience, but I won’t. I think the least these networks can do for those of us with a sense of taste and discrimination is throw us a bone once in awhile.
It’s true, FOX will occasionally throw out a savory morsel of a show, but like some sadistic 8-year-old messing with the next-door neighbor’s dog, they yank it off the air right at the exact moment we start to get our hopes up. For Christ’s sake, don’t tease us with a live action version of “The Tick” only to cancel it after a meager six episodes. That was solid programming. It was going places. The social lives of superheroes is what nerds live for, which is why I will be killing myself within 48 hours. There is simply nothing left to live for, aside from witnessing Kid Rock accidentally set himself on fire and slowly burn to death in agony. That would be sweet.
If “The Tick” bombed in the Nielsen’s, it’s no wonder one of the smartest and most original cartoons ever, “Futurama,” is about to get the ax. It is perhaps the most consistent show on TV today, both in humor and plot, and has expanded the boundaries of what is creatively possible in cartoons. As the show is set in the year 3000, the writers are free to explore whatever scientific possibilities their minds can come up with. But because it’s a sci-fi show, similar to the way “The Tick” is a twist on comic book fare, the small, cult-like “Futurama” audience can’t compete with the rest of the junk that’s on, such as “Who Wants To Be A Jackass In Front Of Millions of People?” It also doesn’t help that Fox preempts the show for whatever else happens to be on before it, whether it’s sports, news or “World’s Deadliest Kittens.”
After the previous examples, it is obvious that being both smart and funny on network TV is a serious drawback, and by adding “controversial” to the list of adjectives, you’re only shoving the knife in that much deeper, hence “Politically Incorrect.” Granted, this show has had a decent run of five solid seasons on ABC, but it’s hardly the time to call it quits, particularly when international affairs are becoming such a hot topic and there’s an easy target for jokes in the White House. The show almost had a shot at sticking to its corner of unseen TV opposite Leno and Letterman weeknights around midnight, but Bill Maher, being the crazy, wacky guy that he is, decided to speak his mind on national television (God forbid!) concerning the Sept. 11 terrorists, which in turn prompted Presidential Press Secretary Ari Fleischer to remind Americans that freedom of speech is a privilege, not a right. And so, one of the most intelligent comics in America must relinquish a truly informative and entertaining program, which will be replaced by “Blind Date,” and I will be forced to jab a fork repeatedly into my eye.
The ultimate disappointment in this string of cancellations is “Family Guy,” which was without a doubt the funniest show on television since it first aired back in 1999. I know many of you will disagree with me here, and it’s not surprising, since apparently the ratings say the same thing. I, however, have never seen a show blend stupidity and intelligence so flawlessly. In the span of five minutes, you could see jokes about “Flashdance,” Oscar and Hammerstein and flatulence. There was an alcoholic dog, a baby who talked like Sir Isaiah Berlin and midgets as far as the eye could see. The show was moronic, tasteless and inspired. More than anything, it made me laugh hysterically, which I had not done since the golden age of “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons” (which jumped the shark a couple of seasons ago, I must admit).
At this point, there are few shows left for the networks to take from me, so I invite them to do their worst. Because one day, I will rise up, and with my army of cartoon-loving nerds, we will strike down corporate TV and lop off the heads of everyone responsible for this season’s cancellations. Either that, or we’ll just sit here and complain some more. Yeah, probably Plan B.