Writer’s Block: Even better than men: the real way to satisfy a woman

Sometimes I want one so bad that I am completely overcome with desire. Like one of Pavlov’s dogs, just thinking about it gets my juices flowing and my pulse racing. No matter what I am doing, once I start thinking about it, I can’t stop the craving racing through my body. No matter where I am on campus exercising in the gym, discussing Chaucer in my literature class, studying in Mugar or chatting with friends in the GSU nothing keeps the desire from teasing my senses and mercilessly reducing me to the 21-year-old equivalent of a red-faced, love-struck, stammering sixth grade school girl.

Sometimes I just really want a Jamba Juice smoothie.

You were expecting something more manly and filled with testosterone?

Sure, men are great. And admittedly, during my three-and-a-half year tenure on this over-populated, yet dominantly female campus, I have spent a lot of time admiring men. From daydreaming myself onto the Boston University hockey team as the private masseuse to John Cronin and Brian McConnell, to imagining myself sweating my nights away in the soccer team locker room as the private towel girl to Jon Martin, Michael Feely and Matt Smith to fantasizing about being the private secretary and photocopy slave to Student Union President Ethan Clay.

Yet, while we girls frequently think about men, they are so few and far between on this campus that most of us can go days, weeks, even years without seeing let alone meeting a nice, single guy. Most nice, single guys were snatched up immediately at freshman orientation by pretty, calculating girls, who have blond hair, cute names and ruthless guy-hunting skills. The few remaining men those who survived the freshman year onslaught of ruthless, blond commitment clones are either happily resigned bachelors or commitment phobes.

Therefore, as victims of Chancellor John Silber’s misogynistic comments, doomed to perpetual collegiate singledom in this 70/30 world, the women of BU have found something else to fill the void left by our lack of male companionship: Jamba Juice smoothies.

Granted, while a smoothie can not cuddle, hold hands or take ballroom dancing lessons with you, it can be a cooler, smoother and much more satisfying boyfriend alternative.

First, remember that smoothies always fit your schedule. Or at least between the hours of 8 a.m. and 9 p.m. That is, a smoothie will not go abroad, work nights, sleep all day, need to be study-extended and forget to call you.

Second, smoothies cater to you. They are cheap, never get cranky and rarely expect you to walk all the way across campus in the middle of the night to buy pizza. A girl will not have to listen to her Razzmatazz drone on about how the Patriots won the World Series. And unlike most guys, a Strawberries Wild will accompany you on your way to early morning classes.

Third, smoothies, unlike men, are integral to healthy self-esteem. That is, Jamba Juice can be more emotionally soothing and more sensitive than guys. Not only are they chock full of vitamins, minerals, fruit and other weird, hippie, Californian health products, but also, no matter what shape you might be in, the smoothie makes you feel good when you drink it. More importantly, you never have to drink a smoothie with the lights off.

Fourth, smoothies are reliable and lasting. Instead of drinking with their friends on Friday night, Jamba smoothies will spend all night watching sappy chick flicks with you. Better yet, they comfort you during PMS, instead of feeling squeamish. Additionally, Jamba smoothies are so large that you can enjoy them for hours instead of for two or three minutes between commercials.

Fifth, smoothies are fashionable. Forget men with their jeans and ratty T-shirts, Jamba Juice has become the biggest fashion hit since the Prada bag and Kate Spade craze of 1999-2000. In the very trendy halls of the School of Management, the bright and colorful, environmentally unsafe Styrofoam Jamba Smoothies are outnumbering the simple, elegant Starbucks coffee cup 3:1. And the craze has extended far beyond the SMG trendsetters. Forget pashmina shawls and pointy shoes the smoothie has become the tastiest, trendiest and most affordable fashion accessory of the year.

Sixth, smoothies have no strings attached. If you take a sip and don’t like it, you can try a new flavor next time. In fact, you could potentially become a smoothie connoisseur. That is, while trying out lots of different men might get you in trouble, a girl could potentially try every flavor on the menu every day for a month and none of her friends or the Jamba Juice guys would think any less of her.

And finally, perhaps the greatest advantage of the Jamba smoothie is its lack of commitment. While a Boston University male insists on commitment, love and fidelity, if you suddenly want to ditch your smoothie, all you have to do is toss it in the nearest trash can.