Needling Under the Sun: Beat around the Bush

More than 200,000 Aussies gathered in Australia’s capital last Sunday, and no, Captain Kangaroo was not being inaugurated. The Aussies were joining the more than 10 million people around the globe protesting a possible U.S.-led attack on Iraq.

While Boston University students abroad in the (far enough away to be safe) country are enjoying Australia’s tropical climate by screaming whee and jumping off of cliffs, serious protests are taking place, putting pressure on government officials. Australian Prime Minister John Howard told ABC news that the government won’t be moved by the protests, relaying an interesting, Hamiltonian nonchalance we have heard before from prominent leaders like Richard Nixon, Tony Blair and John Silber.

While people debate back and forth on the causes and implications of war, opinions of flagrant extremists shouldn’t outweigh the silent majority. We ultimately don’t know what will happen. If we go, it may prompt a full-out Middle East uprising or the replacement of a terrorist regime with a semi-functional democratic government. If we don’t, we may be leaving ourselves vulnerable and open for another perhaps more devastating attacks.

What is known is if Bush’s image were reformed and his rhetoric fine-tuned, there might not be such a ferocious international opposition movement. Domestically, dissension is mounting just as fervently.

What it basically comes down to is the presentation. Want to win over the Aussies? It’s not hard — just remove your cowboy hat, unload your hip pistol, auction off your garter belt and elope with Nicole Kidman and you, President Bush, will be half way there. People like pizzazz, and Bush doesn’t have it. He’s too devout, uptight and inarticulate. He knows his grammatic deficiencies have become a passing joke and even tries to divert attention from his lack of intelligence by laughingly teasing Donald Rumsfeld for being the cutest member of the cabinet during emergency press conferences. What is that all about? Bush has an awkward way of trying to project personality, and that’s one of the reasons he hasn’t sold this war to America, let alone the international community.

Bush should get his act together and travel the international scene making favorable global and domestic impressions. He needs a classy public relations woman like Lizzy Grubman to get him a guest spot on a Dallas reunion or at least try to recreate the stigma of Camelot by getting Laura an appointment with Donatella Versace. If Bush doesn’t like to sail, he should emulate Teddy Roosevelt and go make himself into a man by shooting a couple of buffalo on the ranch.

PLO spokesmen do a better job of speaking then Bush. Osama and his cohorts can persuade Arab youths to blow themselves up, but Bush can’t persuade the world to oust a ruthless dictator.

Here’s a history lesson for those who can’t distinguish the salt from the sugar. Comparatively successful and well-liked presidents include John F. Kennedy, the embodiment of the American Dream: studly, rich, tan, a great accent, sleeping with a hot, slutty actress while married to a beautiful classy woman; George Washington, who humbly refused the presidency and, like Plato, had to be dragged back through the gates to rule the Republic. Ronald Reagan, a popular Hollywood actor before he inherited the Alzheimer’s-inducing stress of the presidency; many are now fonder of Jimmy Carter, who builds homes for poor people. Since he’s old, it’s also kinda cute that he’s been married to the same woman for over thirty years.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, I need only provide one sufficient example: Richard Nixon. Let’s just say his face was at one point one of the most popular Halloween masks purchased in America, and his profuse sweating is America’s most poignant memory from what was the first televised presidential debate in history. Bill Clinton was a smooth, slightly seductive talker, which got him off the hook for his uptight wife and socially “uncool” teenage daughter, but he was too grossly sexual and wimpy while experimenting with illegal drugs. Either be morally against it or go through a stage, Bill, but don’t suck in and then not inhale.

Excusing his wooden plank physicality, the content and delivery of Bush’s speeches are as bland as baby formula. Even putrid dictators can temporarily snag the hearts of the populace. Napoleon was a puny little man, yet I’m sure he got more sex than Hugh Hefner. More disturbingly, Hitler wooed the destitute people of Germany and beyond with his mesmerizing speeches and enlisted the intellectually cultured, physically strong and socially elite into his terrorist army.

I’ve tried to find one inspiring statement from Bush’s drones to superficially revive my nationalism and faith in our government, but I just can’t. Rudy Guliani, speaking with a lisp, did a better job of whipping up patriotism in America than Bush. Bush’s looks and words lack visual appeal and fluidity. I will admit I have a rotating mobile over my bed featuring stars of the “Axis of Evil,” and sometimes doing crossword puzzles I try to fit Iraq into the one across row and perpendicularly intercept Iran into a down column. I tell friends if I ever clog the toilet, I will smoke it out. Other than that, Bush has given me nothing to get my blood boiling. So protests continue, and I’m debating whether to watch a CNN recap of a Bush speech or <<<<<<<>>>>>>>>