Democrats, liberals and anti-war activists are already sweating, trying to decide who they should back in the next presidential election. Who can stir up our government, which is run primarily by crusty old white men? I feel that I should weigh in before the final decision is made. After all, The Daily Free Press is where people go for the most cutting, up-to-the-minute political news. Who would be a better president than George W. Bush? The list is long.
Oscar the Grouch: obviously, the Crabby Young Man feels a deep affinity for Oscar, the perpetual misanthrope of ‘Sesame Street.’ Get him out of that garbage can and into the White House. It would do wonders for his self-esteem.
A bundle of sticks: would a bundle of sticks really make a better president than George W. Bush? It couldn’t be worse. The bundle of sticks would be non-partisan on most issues, except in the area of open flames, which it would adamantly oppose.
Mr. Rogers: some will argue that Mr. Rogers is dead. I say, even a dead Mr. Rogers would make a wonderful president. He was an ordained minister, so he’d satisfy the religious right. Our elected leaders already live in the land of make believe. Would Mr. Rogers be that much of a departure?
Bob Dylan: sure, we can’t understand a word he says, but the freewheeling Bob Dylan would be an excellent president. We already know he can never die, and we’d get some great speeches. Maybe he could play a couple songs at state dinners, or liven up the State of the Union address with a few cuts from Blood on the Tracks.
Clint Eastwood: foreign policy? Mr. Eastwood has the winning formula. His steely-eyed gaze will strike fear into the hearts of the evildoers. Bush thinks he’s got a steely-eyed gaze? When Dirty Harry takes a look at him, Bush will burst into flames.
Cookie Monster: I don’t want to push the Sesame Street theme too hard, but I think we’d be missing a great opportunity if we pass up Cookie Monster, who would pursue a domestic policy of cookies for everyone. ‘C’ is for cookie. It’s good enough for me and America.
Oliver J. Whiskers: many readers of The Daily Free Press will be unfamiliar with Oliver J. Whiskers. That’s OK. He’s my cat. Due partly to a stately and regal demeanor that simply cries out ‘leadership,’ he will exert a breathtaking authority over his subjects. He’s certainly got one on me, since he can get me to play with him even when I’m desperately trying to finish a column before deadline. His policy will be one of peace and relaxation, with feedings twice a day (sometimes more). Occasional vomiting of hairballs is a small price to pay for strong leadership.
Howard Dean: perhaps Mr. Dean is the most realistic choice, since he’s the only person on this list actually running for president. But the former governor of Vermont has a lot going for him. He and his wife are both doctors, and one of his biggest pet causes is to ensure affordable health care for Americans. Quite a shift from ensuring prosperity for oil companies, isn’t it? Dean also promises a balanced budget, a concept that eludes the current administration. He suggests that gun control in California is different from gun control in Vermont, and therefore states should decide for themselves what gun control laws to pass. Dean’s writings on the issues repeatedly emphasize approaches like involving parents in their children’s education, stopping environmental degradation and ensuring women’s access to political and economic influence. He’s not just suggesting these changes, he’s implemented many of them in Vermont.
Dean refers to ‘American responsibility’ not as an excuse to wage war, but as a way of setting an example for the rest of the world. He believes in fighting terrorism through the forceful tactics the United States is using, but also by removing the terrorists’ base of support. In other words, we shouldn’t sit still and let terrorists have their way with us, but we should also become a positive presence in the world, creating good will toward America. It’s hard to imagine now.
The Crabby Young Man: I don’t wish to be too egotistical, but I wouldn’t be a bad choice either. After all, I get better grades than our current president did at Yale. Plus, I’ve never run afoul of the law, whereas Bush has been arrested three times. The only downside is that we’ll have to wait a few years until I’m old enough. Perhaps I’ll follow the Bush example and fill those years with cocaine use, drunken debauchery and mooching off my Dad’s friends. See you all in 2018!
[ Andy Christman, a senior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. ]
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