In the first and final installment of the Junior College Constitution’s analysis of the Seth Reiss era, we would first like to give you some background on the columnist who has redefined the meaning of sleeping one’s way to the top. That’s right Seth Reiss slept with every member of the JCC staff in order to become a columnist, and this year will be his final year because, well…

Seth Reiss: There is just no one else to sleep with in that newsroom. It’s become boring. I always said that once sleeping with the JCC staff became tedious and mind-numbing, I would quit. I think I owe it to my fans to go out on a high note, preferably a high C-sharp if possible.

JCC: Seth, you have barely been a columnist for a year, and in that time, you have revolutionized several things. One is a style of writing. How would you describe your style?

SR: Poor at best. I started and patented the Poor Style when I realized I had a certain flair for writing sentences that weren’t very descriptive, occasionally didn’t make sense and often were in a language other than English. (Begins laughing to himself) The funny thing is, I don’t know any other languages, even though I seem to have the ability to type in tongues. But then again, I’m typing so how could I do anything in tongues? The whole thing is very confusing. What was the question?

JCC: In your era you have also revolutionized the way you go about writing your columns, correct?

SR: (Begins picking nose) Whoa! I really snagged one there. Check this out. (He shows the booger to me. It is indeed very large. I am impressed to say the least). Um … yeah. Well before I write a column, I like to live what I am writing. For example, in a column I wrote more than a month ago, there was a squirrel who said he had rabies. I spent six months before writing that becoming a squirrel with rabies. Um, it was difficult at first, but I think it definitely added a feeling of realism to the piece. Even though the squirrel had a small part, only having the line, ‘I have rabies,’ I’d like to remind everyone that there are no small parts in my columns, only small squirrels with mange. Um … in about two months, I am going to write a humor column talking about the civil wars in Asia, and in order to do that, I am actually going to become an Asian peasant. It will be a complicated process, but anything for that authenticity which many authors try to achieve.

JCC: With so many columns under your belt, you have also developed a way of writing a column when you are out of ideas. Could you explain that?

SR: (Goes to answer telephone though it wasn’t even ringing) Hello? Hello? Yes, I’ll be there soon. (He hangs up phone). Oh yes, when I am out of ideas, I am a big fan of plagiarism. Let’s face it, it’s quick and easy. I would say 75 percent of my columns are plagiarized, and the other 25 percent are a product of heavy paraphrasing. For something many elites call, ‘The Worst Academic Offense,’ I think they are forgetting how much fun it is to not do anything and pass off other people’s work as your own. Show tune time!

At this point in the interview, Seth brought out his 27-key Casio Keyboard and began playing the opening scene from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He urged me to sing along, but I didn’t know the words. And quite frankly, I don’t think he did either.

JCC: So you like show tunes?

SR:(Opening eyes and coming out of his show tune trance) Who are you? What are you doing in my office? Get out get out get out get out get out! Out! You aren’t allowed to slide head first in little league, you’re out! Threw a dodge ball at your wee wee, and you’re out! You just picked out curtains with your ‘friend’ … You’re out! I love show tunes! Continue with the interview!

JCC: Do you think your column has ever enriched the lives of your readers?

SR: Nope.

JCC: Do you think your column has ever moved people to protest about important issues?

SR: Heavens no.

JCC: Well, what kind of legacy do you want to leave behind?

SR: (Begins to shrug shoulders for 10 minutes) Legacy, legacy, legacy … where for art thou legacy… Oh! It’s behind your right ear. (He reaches behind my ear and pulls out what he believes is legacy, yet there is nothing in his hand) Bet you didn’t know you had that behind your ear, did ya? (Suddenly gets serious) I want my legacy to be that of a hard-hitting journalist.

JCC: Seth, is this really your last column? Do you really think you can exit stage left on the High C you plan to go out on?

SR: (Glares angrily for 20 minutes) First, these two-part questions have to stop I can only handle so much at a time. Second, I’m sure I’ll stick around until I’m either really hated, or until someone on the JCC staff gets the clap.

JCC: In your time as a columnist, you have really developed a way to end a column. Some find it annoying, others find it annoying. Could you share your secret for ending these literary works?

SR: Maybe.

Seth Reiss, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.