It is the Monday of a two-day school week. With images of freshly carved turkey, bloated family members and football filling our heads, most of us are content to think all is well in the world. Think again.
The past week witnessed a deluge of news stories. My effort to dissect, analyze, contemplate and categorize these goings on sounded the shrieking siren of my B.S. detector.
I offer the past weeks events in review:
Two Turkish Al Qaida-linked suicide bombers demolished a synagogue in Turkey, killing 26 and injuring more than 400. Terrorism is spreading worldwide, and greater measures must be taken to stop it. You know someone has gone completely bonkers certified looney when he straps explosives to his chest to kill others. Even stranger is the claim that suicide bombers will receive 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seems to me if they can’t provide you with any virgins in this life, the likelihood of getting 72 in the next is slim. Where are they all coming from anyway? And who needs that many virgins? Wouldn’t it get old after a while? And America is accused of being obsessed with excess!
Later in the week, a hotel in downtown Baghdad, housing mostly western noncombatants and protected by cement walls and American tanks, was hit with a homemade rocket-propelled grenade launched from a cart pulled by a donkey. Luckily no one was killed. The perpetrator escaped on horseback. A guy with a donkey and a grenade is rocking the most elite military force in the history of the world? Something has gone horribly awry here. The war is not over, our mission was not accomplished and the political spinning is out of control.
Whether Saddam is behind the escalating violence is unclear, but according to the Bush administration, he and bin Laden are on the run. How is that any different then before we invaded Iraq and Afghanistan? We couldn’t find them then, we can’t find them now not much difference there.
We instituted Operation Iron Hammer in an effort to quell attacks on coalition forces. More like Operation Rubber Mallet the harder you swing, the harder it bounces back and smashes you in the nose.
Speaking of smashed noses, former BU hockey star John Sabo was acquitted last week, avoiding charges that he assaulted another student in front of The Avenue last year. Come on people, this one really sparked the B.S. detector. My take on it? They both got loaded, Sabo beat the guy to a pulp and is getting off because he is an outstanding athlete. Case closed. Maybe we should send him over to Iraq as part of Iron Hammer.
In other news, gay marriage saw a serious victory in Massachusetts last week, sparking controversy nationwide. Many claim the judicial decision undermines the sanctity of marriage. But in case anyone hasn’t noticed, marriage in modern society is becoming a joke. Let people marry it doesn’t harm you. In a society where assault rifles are legal because civil liberties must be protected two lesbians paying joint taxes is the least of your worries. I’ve had enough of the family values crap from people sleeping with their secretaries, thank you Mr. Clinton.
That reminds me. Last week, the FDA approved a third drug to relieve impotence. Cialis, made by Eli Lilly and Company, will be available to the public in the next few weeks. Facing stiff competition from Viagra and Levitra, and rigid opposition from many of their loyal users, the company hopes to get a firm position in the market. The advantage of Cialis is that it reportedly stays in your system for 36 hours. Isn’t that a little excessive? I’m exhausted after 20 minutes. However, there have been requests for large shipments from suicide bombers. Hey, 36 hours is a small window of opportunity for 72 virgins.
On a more serious note, king of pop Michael Jackson was arrested last week, charged with molesting a 12-year-old boy. Jackson has hired attorney Mark Geragos, who now represents both a psychopathic killer (paging Scott Peterson) and a serial molester and is therefore the envy of every trial lawyer in the nation. Jackson is a raving lunatic. Lock him up, take his kids away and forget about the freak.
So when you sit down at Thanksgiving dinner this year to discuss the world around you remember this John Sabo may now legally marry a lastingly erect homosexual donkey named Michael Jackson. Your grandparents will be thrilled.
Cory Hardy, a senior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press.
This is an account occasionally used by the Daily Free Press editors to post archived posts from previous iterations of the site or otherwise for special circumstance publications. See authorship info on the byline at the top of the page.
