Chancellor John Silber, noted dean, scholar and hermaphrodite, was found dead this morning after a freak accident during an audition for a snuff puppet show.
Jonathon Wolcott Octavos Mortimer Portersville Silber was born RuPaul Serpentor to the Pharaoh of Egypt in 3000 B.C. At an early age, Silber professed a natural knack in torturing and disemboweling his servants, his favorite device being that needle thing they used to stick up your nose to take out your brain. His expert skill won him high praise, and second place in the county fair pie-eating contest. At the age of 17, Silber was cryogenically frozen in a pyramid for mistaking his father for a custard pie. He was thawed out by Nazis in 1943, much to the chagrin of Hitler, who had hopes of unfreezing Wesley Snipes.
Silber spent most of World War II selling life insurance behind enemy lines, a dangerous job even back then. After the war ended, Silber worked as an apprentice crooner under the watchful eye of Rudy “Moose Eyes” Gillespie, notorious mob boss, cosmetic salesman and Italian food critic. It was at this time, while playing a Bar Mitzvah in Little Rock, Ark., that Silber had a brief love affair with a cigarette girl, until in the middle of singing “Flying down to Rio” he realized she was really a Mexican midget in drag. For years later, Silber couldn’t enjoy Fred Astaire or hear the name Guadalupe without breaking down and crying like a little girl.
In 1957, Silber was fired from his crooning job after Gillespie’s neck was accidentally cut open by the sharp end of a really sharp knife held by a hired killer accidentally hired by Silber. The next day Silber saw a position open for dean at Boston University, lost a bet and the next day showed up for the audition. He was soon hired.
Although the pay wasn’t much, he was able to make some money on the side by publishing a biology text book, “The Combustion of Vegetables,” which won him national praise and a Pulitzer, though it was strangely banned in Idaho. In 1969, Silber tried his first mind-altering drug, and immediately resigned his post as chairman of the Electric Rainbow Zebras.
In “The Great Evil Dean Depression of ’72,” Silber made ends meat by whoring his body to Chinatown pimps and impersonating Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy at “Star Trek” conventions. With the national success of “Animal House” in 1978, evil dean mania swept across America, and Silber won high acclaim for being the first dean in history not to mind having a steaming pile of dog pooh left at his front door. Through the late ’70s and into the ’80s, Silber was well received as evil dean. However, by 1987, his disapproval of “carnal acts” and disinterest in the fourth season of “The Cosby Show” won him shock and disdain with the student body. Silber’s remarks would soon become ironic, when, in 1990, he was found fornicating with two University Professors Program coeds and the entire Gamma Phi Beta sorority in a vat of rice pudding.
Silber’s controversial attack on the gays in the 1990s also won him disapproval with pretty much everybody, except for Bill O’Reilly and the fat demon with the sunglasses from “Hellraiser.” But Silber stood by his convictions and in the end he was proven correct, when, in 2001, the gays were discovered to be Martians in disguise bent on world domination. Silber’s famous line, “When Hell freezes over and monkeys fly out my ass” became a popular battle cry in the Great Gay Wars of 2005.
As dean, Silber was the target of several assassination attempts, one which left him with an eye-patch and another one which left him with a really cool looking scar. In the year 2021, Silber was implanted with the first super-enhanced cyborg arm, which included among its many features the power to crush titanium-made kittens into a drinkable tangy pulp.
After winning the Cosmic Cube in an auction with the Red Skull in 2040, Silber finally saw his “Master Plan” bear fruit. In front of a crowd of horrified students, 10 Buick St. transformed into a giant, Japanese-style robot, which began to wreak havoc on Boston College. Envious of Buick’s spacious top floor study lounge, Boston College’s nicest dorm was powerless to defend itself from the attack. Only with the assistance of a plucky group of teens and the ghost of Martin Luther King was Boston College saved from Silber’s fiendish plot to turn it into an all-night bible camp.
Although the rest of Silber’s life was pretty much spent as a giant brain encased in a tank of liquid nitrogen, he did find time in his busy schedule of staring ominously and looking creepy to aide in university affairs and take up racquetball as a hobby. In the autumn of his life, Silber was haunted by a re-occurring nightmare in which a copy of Ovid’s “The Art of Love” was two days overdo in the BU library and he owned them $33.3 million in late fees. In an interview held two days before his death, Silber admitted his only regret in life was that he wasn’t made Holy Emperor of Spain in 1536.
Silber is survived by his brother, Dr. Victor Von Doom, Ph.D., of Latveria, and a son, Francisco Franco of Spain. Funeral services will be held on planet Mercury in the year 2525.
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