Recently, the government discontinued research and development on one of its most famous, yet never actually produced, aircraft. The development of the RAH-66, better known as the Comanche, has been halted in favor of other projects, such as upgrading outdated Army aircraft. But I’m a little worried where my tax money is going to go. I mean, sure the Comanche looked really cool, but after a couple of decades and billions of dollars, I want to see results. By now, there should be Comanches patrolling our neighborhoods for terrorists, pumping lead from above into anyone who looks suspicious on the ground. Those dreams of mine have been dashed, however, and I am on a mission to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
So, I have a few ideas on projects the Army can spend money on that would fulfill my dreams. By fulfill my dreams, I mean enrich American life and serve the country. Also, most of these projects should blow stuff up, because that always cheers me up. Seriously, if I’ve had a terrible day and a person, place or thing erupts into a fiery ball of flames and death, a smile instantly appears. It’s the little things in life, folks. But enough of this idle chatter – on with the show.
The first thing I would like to see developed is a batch of zombie super soldiers. Sure, regular zombies are really cool, but they don’t do much besides moan, shuffle and occasionally eat human flesh. I don’t know what the movies have been telling you, but they certainly aren’t the finicky, fast moving brain-eaters people tend to think they are. But if the government spent some money on super zombies, those ultra fast, skull-chomping zombies will become a reality.
Of course, many may see super zombie research as a waste of time. I completely disagree. Since this is Army research, we could use these undead miracles of science to take over the world. Imagine how cool it would be to see Canadians cower in fear as wave after wave of the walking dead storms their peaceful nation. Also, once we spend the money on the chemical that makes normal zombies into super zombies, all that needs to be done is the harvesting of dead bodies. Well, there seem to be plenty of those lying around in cemeteries, so the investment pays for itself. You know, because then the dead will be doing something instead of just lying there.
Next up on my list is a time machine. I’m sure some conspiracy theorists are saying, “Quintin, you silly, foolish boy, the U.S. government is already working on developing a time machine.” But to you I say, “Bah! It’s probably made of cardboard boxes, much like the Stealth Fighter is!” The time machine would be used primarily for research. We could go back and observe the dinosaurs or check out to see just how hot Cleopatra really was. Mostly, I think it’d be a great idea to go back in time and research just how attractive historical women really were. I don’t believe Virginia Dare was really as hot as my middle school history books led me to believe, though I always imagined Betsy Ross was a little hottie. I think that’s worth $7 billion in research.
Thirdly, I think we should be investing in large robot suits like the ones seen in Japanese anime. You know, those giant robots piloted by young kids? Yeah, we should build a bunch of those. I think they’d be a worthy replacement for the Comanche. Sure, they wouldn’t be stealthy, but when you can crush a rowdy mob with just one step, that’s power. Forget the zombies – you could use these babies to take over the world! Besides, as neat as the Comanches were, they weren’t going to stop super villains or aliens. Alien laser technology would rip through our current airships within seconds. So, with a fleet of these giant mechs, we’d be able to take on the Alpha Centaurians with little trouble. Then, America would become the supreme overlord of all nations. Well worth our tax money, I believe.
My last idea is less of defense research and more of a stolen idea. Remember “Ducktales,” Disney’s cartoon misadventures of billionaire Scrooge McDuck and his nephews? If you don’t, well you can go sit in the corner. For those of you who are not in the corner, you surely remember Scrooge’s “pool,” which was filled with millions of dollars in assorted coins. While we were first exposed to this through the television program, it’s a little-known fact that all rich folk, from Bill Gates to Oprah Winfrey, swim in pools of money.
Therefore, I think the Army should install a few of these around the country. What would they do? I have no clue, truthfully. But wouldn’t it be fun to jump into a large pit of money? Sure, it probably wouldn’t be physically possible to swim in it, but I’d risk slipping to the bottom and being crushed by tons of coins in order to live my lifelong dream of swimming in money, like all millionaires do.
So those are just a few ideas of ways for the Army to spend our tax money. I realize some ideas are a bit more practical than others. Still, I want to make sure they’re spending it on something useful this time. I mean, the Comanche was cool, but it just wasn’t cool enough to merit the amount of cash dumped into it. But it’s time to put billions into another worthy project, of which we can see the fruits soon. Besides, repairing currently running aircraft is boring, but crushing Canadians under a large metal foot while leading a legion of super zombies through a time vortex on a mission to find me attractive, historically significant women is just plain awesome. Where would you rather have your money going?
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and
Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached by email at
quintinmarcelino@hotmail.com
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