Let’s look at the facts here, friends. The future is looking pretty bleak. Last week, I had the pleasure of catching the 1993 film Demolition Man, the Sly Stallone classic about a badass cop who’s frozen in his time as punishment for being reckless and thawed out to catch a badass criminal (who, of course, was also frozen in his time and thawed out).
The political undertones are cutting and the acting is top notch, but a major problem presents itself. I’ve noticed that in most films, there are usually two visions of the future: Either it’s an apocalyptic nightmare or a tranquil, peaceful place with some seriously odd quirks. Stallone’s gem adopts the latter idea, with a society so tranquil that shaking hands is forbidden. But recently, events have been transpiring that appear contrary to these two visions.
As many of you know, the Federal Communications Commission has been cracking down since the whole “Super Bowl Halftime of Spectacular Stupidity” incident. People have been fined hefty amounts of money; shows have been pulled off the radio airwaves in fear; innocent children have been thrown into bonfires just to keep them lit. Things are getting a little bit out of hand. Sadly, folks, this is only the beginning.
Pretty soon, the fines will get so high that even the rich and famous will not be able to pay them. Offenders will then serve jail time in federally funded institutions run by the FCC, where they will be “reeducated.” The program would include watching episodes of Barney and the Telletubbies until prisoners’ eyes start to bleed, daily beatings and three delicious meals of soap to wash out their dirty, dirty mouths. But wait, there’s more!
By 2008, all households will have at least one FCC employee installed to monitor all family activity. Any monkey business will promptly be reported and the guilty parties will be given jail time relative to the seriousness of their offenses. These FCC employees will become yet another part of the family, like a dog or a surly long-lost uncle who keeps using all of the hot water and finishing off the last of the milk. Be warned, though: While they may appear to be part of the family, they are indeed heartless government agents who will turn on you in a second. They will also kill your cat, if need be. You know, to get a message across.
Life, besides small, inconsequential details, will continue normally. Granted, there will be a lot less graphic violence, sci-fi action and sexual content, but you get the idea. Little Billy and Wendy will go to school, then come home and do their homework. Mom and Dad will work and share the household duties and then relax by watching some quality, government-regulated television with the kids. Their oldest son, Jimmy, will still have a crack problem. That will be handled “off screen,” i.e. the FCC House Regulator will take him out back and beat him with a lead pipe. All will be well.
Of course, certain things will just not fly in an FCC-regulated household. The use of obscenities will follow current FCC regulation. Certain words will not be used until after prime time, when the little ones are tucked away snugly in their beds. Speaking of beds, sex (known now as Satan’s Nasty Dance) must never be seen or heard. The sheltering of the youth is the only way to protect them.
Also to protect the youth, teachers and professors’ positions will be filled with government-certified FCC educators. A special committee will try everyone formally associated with the country’s previous educational system. If they are convicted, they will be sentenced to death. Since the FCC doesn’t condone violence, they will be put on a desert island and starved to death. If you think about it, it’s the only really humane way to punish someone. School would then be geared to making youngsters prim, proper and “airable.” They’ll graduate ready for the prime time of their lives. Get it? Hot damn, I’m on a roll here!
Eventually, the generations to come won’t need to fall back on these FCC Home Regulators. People like Jimmy will cease to exist. Drugs will disappear, foul language will be used at a minimum and viewer discretion will no longer need to be advised. Society will not be perfect, of course. Some violence will slip through the cracks. Implied sexual situations will be talked about. People will be put into comas and awaken to find they have amnesia and now have an evil twin.
So basically, it’ll be business as usual, without all of that extreme stuff that will warp the moral fabric of the country. I’m not here to judge whether this is a good idea or not (though if you’re reading this, FCC, I love it, so you can put the soap away and take the crappy children’s programming out of the VCR). I’m just here to tell everyone that the revolution will be televised. It also will happen to be TV-PG.
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached by email at quintinmarcelino@hotmail.com
This is an account occasionally used by the Daily Free Press editors to post archived posts from previous iterations of the site or otherwise for special circumstance publications. See authorship info on the byline at the top of the page.
