Monday, the government announced the sinking of an obsolete aircraft carrier in order to create an artificial reef. The U.S.S. Oriskany is to become the largest object ever purposely sunk by the United States with the intention of disposing of it. The reason is two-fold. First, the ship apparently has a lot of meaning to some people. It was the starting point for John McCain’s fateful mission, in which he was shot down and ultimately captured in North Vietnam. Many believe it’s a way to preserve the memory of such a historic ship. The second is that it’s a lot cheaper to sink a ship than to transport it to a scrap yard. Now it all makes sense.
While it will be the first and the biggest ship ever to be sunk for disposal purposes, it won’t be the last or the largest for long. Government officials are already planning on sinking numerous ships into the cold, dark depths of the oceans to create these “artificial reefs/military memorials.” Capitol idea, I say, though I do have a few obvious concerns about the whole shebang. First and foremost, what kind of self-respecting sea creature would move into a beat up and abandoned metal heap, as opposed to one of those nice, colorful reefs you see all the time on the Discovery Channel? Besides this, I pondered just what else the United States may plan on sinking, and what that meant for you, the common American.
After thinking about these long and hard, I came up with a few ideas. Firstly, I figured out what kind biological organism may move into such a cold, dark reef. The answer, of course, was the poor or low-income marine dwellers. Think about it. All of the upscale, surface-view reefs are pretty crowded with your high-income fish, while all of those tiny, poor fish are left to swim the ocean endlessly in search of food or shelter. Well, why don’t we just sink a few ships and let those poor little buggers have a home. Problem solved, obviously making us the environmental heroes for creating such a sound, healthy environment for those organisms to thrive and grow.
I also tried to figure out just what other kinds of things the government may want to sink. While they have 24 other ships on tap to be sunk, I’m sure there are plenty of other things just asking to be sunk. I imagine there is a wealth of planes that could be plunged into the ocean. Hell, why not fill the planes with stuff we don’t need anymore. Whether it’s dead bodies due to the lack of burial space (Japan may want in on that one) or government documents that need to be disposed of, the possibilities are endless.
While we’re at it, why not start nuclear disarmament by dumping a bunch of warheads we don’t ever plan on using into the Atlantic. I’m fairly certain that would be a safe, cheap way to get rid of the weapons and prevent terrorists from getting their greasy little hands on them. Sure, they’d know where they were, but I want to see a terrorist get on a scuba tank and plunge from his inflatable raft into the depths of Davey Jones’ locker. I’m fairly certain al-Qaida’s training camps don’t involve a rigorous scuba certification course, so that should provide some safety. But really, if a terrorist learns to dive in a desert training camp, then man, he deserves that damn nuclear warhead. That’s what I like to call persistence.
So what does this grand new idea of sinking our junk mean for you or I, the average Joes and Janes of America? Well, I say we should press the government for a civilian program similar to the one they plan on enacting for their ships. It’d be like your town or city’s bulky item pick-up days, except things would be dumped into the ocean. Really, why should we have to pay extra to dispose of computer equipment and old cars? If the military is doing it, I say we have a right to create our own great reef of useless consumer products.
All right, you caught me. This is idea of “civilian reef building” is just a cover on my part. You see, I have a car that could give out on me any time. It’s not a bad little car, but it’s 11-years-old and may be seeing its final days on the road. Anyway, it’s not worth much, meaning I would have to pay anywhere between $50 to $100 just to have some junkyard take it. It’s not that I couldn’t afford that; it’s just that I’m, you know, cheap. So, I’d just like to drive it off a cliff. I don’t know if there are any cliffs overlooking the ocean in this great state, but I’ll find one somewhere. If my plan goes to pass, my little stunt would actually be legal and that would be super. I’d then go and spend the 50 bucks I saved on something worthless (perhaps on vending machine candy). Wait a minute. Forget that you read that last paragraph. What I really said was that I just want to help create a nurturing, natural environment for the little fishies. I love those little fishies.
Quintin Marcelino, a junior in the College of Arts and
Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached by email at
quintinmarcelino@hotmail.com.
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