As a 6-foot, 5-inch professional opinion columnist whom The Daily Free Press pays millions of dollars (not funded at all by your undergraduate student fee), it is both my pleasure and duty to piss people off. Thus, last Thursday was the most important day of my life: not only did it mark my one-year anniversary of going from kids-size shoes to mens-size shoes, but it was also the first day after my first article had first appeared in The Daily Free Press. I simply could not wait for the hundreds of angry letters to arrive.
I’ve never been afraid of hate mail; I get enough as it is, and most of the anthrax came before I even got my own column. One fan sent me a package with a knife in it and a letter written in blood that read, “Use this.” And I do to this day, in all of my baking. Thank you, Roland from Carson City. Just as a hot air balloon is fueled by flame, my happiness is fueled by the anger from my readers.
As I opened last Thursday’s Daily Free Press, I smiled with excitement. I turned the front page and smiled with curiosity. Then I accidentally turned the page backwards, and smiled with bewilderment.
When I finally found the letters section, I smiled with depression. “What are all these letters?” I pondered aloud, finishing off the question with a manly Tim Allen grunt.
A mustachioed constable passing by explained to me that letters are characters that represent different sounds, and when juxtaposed with other letters they make words, which allow us to communicate.
“Oh,” I responded.
“Yes, yes, very good,” he said.
“Want to be best friends?”
“Yes!”
Kensy and I spent hours together, splashing water in each others’ faces and laughing at our platonic admiration for one another. Then he got hit by a truck.
As I took his wallet and looked through his personal belongings, I smiled with realization. I realized that Kensy’s death somehow taught me to be myself: the real opinion columnist whose dogmatic and stupid opinions naturally piss people off. “Who else is going to piss people off?” he asked me before he died. “Not Alf, Daniel, certainly not Alf,” he said, answering his own question, a habit I will certainly miss about Kensy.
In the end, I just want people to hate me, but I know that can’t always be the case. I can only hope that the following controversial opinions and poorly supported arguments of mine will make you want to tar and feather me with a gun.
Personally, unlike most Americans, I do not support terrorism. It is my opinion that terrorists should stop terrorizing things. Yeah, that’s right I said it, and I don’t care who I offend, whether it’s the government-supported group T.A.T. (Terrorist Aficionados of America) or the well-run student organization B.U.S.P.S.O (Boston University Students for the Pain and Suffering of Others).
Why can’t terrorists terrorize through friendly community activities like recreational basketball or a knitting club? Like the 15th season of The Simpsons, some terrorists go too far. They were better off as young insurgents who were willing to fight for a cause but not hurt anyone. I hear that some former child-members of Al Qaida have been seen hanging out with Nicole Richie and have withered away to nothing. It’s easy to fall into that fast-paced, Hollywood lifestyle, but I guess that’s the consequences you face after killing several innocent people.
So to all of you Americans who walk around with your terrifying attitudes: why don’t you stop rooting for the terrorist groups and give the underdogs – the American people – a chance? You terrorist lovers aren’t cool. I am, and you can’t argue that. It’s a fact! Well maybe not, but I’ve presented it as one!
And here are a few other controversial points that are certain to fill The Daily Free Press mailbox with angry letters. Phil the Mailman is going to hate me for this, but good … let him write a letter about it. Religion is a touchy issue, but I don’t care who I offend. That’s what I do: offend things. Religion is both awful and great. I feel strongly fickle in this matter. People should or should not have the right to be religious. There I said it. I also opinionize that puppies are cute. I opinionate that they should stay puppies forever. Oh, what? You like dogs better? You think I’m crazy? Just try stopping me! Finally, in regards to the taboo subject of abortion, Roe v. Wade was decided on January 22, 1973. Oh wait, that’s a fact. I’m terribly sorry if that offended anyone.
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