Wow, this is difficult. There she is, sitting less than 20 feet away, and my legs won’t move. All I have to do is go speak to her. If I can just start a decent conversation, maybe make her laugh within my first two sentences, I know I’m in like a bag of potato chips.
I can’t get too hasty, however. I mean, I have liked this girl since I can remember, or at least for the last 12 days. I can’t screw this up. Oh man, Lanolin, why do you have to play tetherball with my heart like this? Oh my heart! It’s beating about three times as fast as normal, or at least two and half times faster since the last time I timed my heart rate sophomore year of high school in health class. C’mon, Zack, would you just grow some knee bone and go talk to her?
Wait, did she just look at me? Don’t look, Zack, don’t look. Play it cool. Take deep breaths. Laugh like you just heard a funny joke and have a good sense of humor. Ha ha! Oh, that probably would have been more effective if someone were with you. Now you just laughed out of nowhere, you psycho! Just read your book. Seem interested in education. Is she looking? I sneak a little peak, and she’s back to reading herself. What is she reading, anyway? Plato? Wow, she is so sophisticated. I have never seen anybody read Plato for pleasure, which I am sure is what she’s doing. Lanolin, you surely must be a witch who has cast a spell of lust upon me!
There is only one way to solve this situation. I have to go talk to her. I need an excuse for getting up though. Oh, silly me, I’m in the GSU. I can just get up and go for a delicious free plastic cup of water, then casually approach her from the south, heading in a northeasterly direction.
Genius! Okay, arise. Watch out for the sleeping student’s leg on your left … and check your breath while you’re at it, too. Lift the hand to the mouth, blow on it, and quickly sniff with your nose. And my breath smells like … my hand. That is the worst way to check your breath that I have ever come across. However, judging by this, my hand smells like Dial soap, so maybe my breath does, too. That’s not so bad. Okay, grab some water. Geez, I hate lines for the water. Those people with Nalgenes take forever to fill up their bottles. Wait, how do the armpits smell? Just make a yawning stretch motion and check. Hm. That’s pretty good. I definitely remembered to apply deodorant. Well done, Zack, well done. Alright, I poured my water, feel that my hair is in the right place, and I am ready to go hit on an unsuspecting princess of attraction and wit.
What do I say, anyhow? “Hey, what’s up? I’m in your history class. The professor sucks, right?” No, try to stay positive. You have two sentences to make her laugh. “Hey, Lanolin, I’m Zack, from your history class. I just wanted to say that I dream about you all the time day and night and strongly desire to be close to you skin-wise.” Hang on, I’m pretty sure that’s a little too creepy. Oh, son of a spirit gum, I am just about to reach her table! I should have walked slower. Okay, you are just going to have to wing it. Confidence, Zack, just keep the confidence!
“Um. Hi there,” I say. She looks up at me quizzically.
“Hello,” she purrs. So far so good.
“So, your name is Lanolin. Cool. That’s cool and, um, stuff.” I try to take a sip of water and spill it down my chest and pants.
“Oh,” she giggles, “had an accident?” I want her so badly.
“What?” I look at my chest. “Oh, this little drop of water, here? No, I did that on purpose, because I was hot and enjoy cool beverages trickling down my neck onto my clothing-wear and dampening them wetly.” I think I saved myself.
She stares at me in silence.
“Yeah,” I say, “so anyways, we have one another class with history and I think that beautifully you are a woman and was wondering if you would be willing to go to a movie with yourself perhaps me too.” I wince in my multiple grammar mistakes.
“Um, I would, but I have a boyfriend. Thanks for the offer, though. That was really sweet of you, Steve.” I nod, and begin to walk away, trip on the chairs and fling someone’s sushi in the air.
Swing and a miss. I am such an idiot. How could I screw things up like that? Who is Steve? Lanolin, you broke my heart! I will never be the same. Depression will surely last for months. I will start painting canvases black and call it “Pure Emotion.” I will stop eating and waste away in – wait, is that Stacy over there in the corner? God, she is cute. If I can just start a decent conversation …
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