SPENCER: Please stop talking to me: How not to hit on a girl

A few weeks back, a dear friend of mine took me to a party. Somewhere in Allston, there were kegs, beer pong, a suspicious bucket of pink liquid and red cups. Par for the course of a Saturday night. We came in and started the standard haggling over the price of the aforementioned red cups. Nothing special.

Less than a minute into negotiations, the smell of stale beer and the sound of heavy breathing hit me from the right side.

“Your nose. It’s pierced. Your nose ring is so sparkly. That’s hot. You’re pretty.”

Pardon me, sir? I haven’t even taken my coat off and you’re slurring sweet nothings into my ear? Well, geez, let’s just grab a cab back to your place because you’ve totally dazzled me with your verbal genius and astute observation of the blatantly obvious.

I want to tell him I have a can of Mace in my purse, but instead I just smile tepidly, grab a cup and walk away. Sorry, dude, valiant attempt but there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I’m going to talk to you after that eloquently phrased pickup line. And you’re not helping yourself out by slinking into a corner and staring at me with your buddies like I’m calf #43 at the county fair livestock auction.

But this creepy attempt is just as standard as the red cups at the party. Most of you dudes are terribly misguided in your attempts to pick up the opposite sex. And all you guys that think you have game — you don’t. It’s not that you’re bad guys or that you’re actually creepy. Mr. Nose Ring could very well have been a great guy, but I wasn’t about to check up on that because his technique was barely differentiable from the dudes that sit on their stoops on Brighton Avenue and scream “Hey mami, you makin’ me see God” while I walk to the T.

He sabotaged himself. And while not everyone can be a great flirt, you can at least avoid the mistakes of your fellow dude-bros and improve your chances of waking up in your extra long twin with a lady by your side, or maybe, just maybe, meet some cutie-girlie that you like enough to date.

First of all, you know that scene in Swingers in which Heather Graham turns into a rabbit? You know, the whole philosophy is that you are a big-bad man and you are the bear and the chick is some tiny little bunny that’s all freaked out over your claws, and you have to kill the rabbit?

Forget that. Seriously, stop thinking about this like its hunting. Think of it as a job interview. We aren’t prey, we’re potential employers, and if you want the position you better sell yourself. That’s your new mentality.

Secondly, don’t hit on girls who don’t want to be hit on. Your life’s going to be a lot easier if you learn how to identify which ladies are looking for the same thing you are. For convenience sake, let’s just pretend that we are at a party, because that’s where these interactions take place for the most part. Without a doubt, the ratio will be in your favor so take a look around and find a couple girlies you like. Who’d you pick? The girl in the back-less shirt on the dance floor shimmying to “Laffy Taffy”? Bad choice. She doesn’t really want to get hit on; she’s just an attention whore. But see those two chicks sitting quietly on the couch giggling while they survey the room? Bingo.

When girls go out on the prowl, they travel in a pair or occasionally a triumvirate. Four or more constitutes girls’ night — in which girls just get drunk and dance and talk about how much they love their friends. These groups of girls don’t really want to be hit on, either. But you know what those two couch girls are doing right now? They’re scanning the room for dudes.

So how do you talk to them? Go over and just say hi. It works and it’s not creepy. Then be funny. Are you not naturally funny? Find your drunkest friend in the room; he’s surely doing something absurd. Make him your clown for the night. Avoid heavy conversation on sex, politics and religion because you don’t know this chick and you don’t want to offend her, whether she’s a tree-loving vegan woodnymph or a pro-life young Republican, saying something offensive will get you the cold shoulder.

Don’t touch her, ever. That’s getting creepy. Unless she touches you first, in which case everywhere you want to touch her is still off-limits, but arms are OK.

So by now, the police are surely breaking things up. What are you going to do, bro? Take her home? Ask, but throw in some arbitrary activity as a euphemism for what you really want. If she likes you it won’t matter if you invite her for food, drinks or Guitar Hero — she’ll say yes. Godspeed, gentlemen.

Meredith Spencer, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at mspence@bu.edu.