As the song commands us to do, “Let’s talk about sex, baby!” Actually, that’s not my job. The purpose of my column is to talk about religion, its many forms and the ways it affects people’s lives. But honestly, sometimes the two topics intersect. Some religions have an incredibly morbid view on the subject, and some have no view. This week, however, I am going to discuss my experiences with a religion that has a positive view on sexuality and its purposes in human life. I am going to convert to Vajrayana Buddhism and utilize its Tantric practices.

The truth of the matter is, despite the common myths and long Wikipedia article, sexual practices in Tantric Buddhism are quite peripheral. “But Nick,” you exclaim, “stop teasing us, we all know that Tantra is all about the religious way to have crazy sex.”

I don’t want to disagree with you, but you have forced my hand. The sexual practices found in Tantra are a result of the spiritual and religious beliefs found within. And now, enough of that, this is America, darn it. We don’t talk about that stuff here.

Instead, allow me to talk about my one-week enlightenment that occurred during my time as a Vajrayana Buddhist. “One week enlightenment? Don’t be silly,” you say. But it’s true, or at least it’s possible (consider I switch religions every week, you can never really be sure if I am speaking the truth). Compared to other forms of Buddhism, such as Theravada and Mahayana, Vajrayana Buddhism advocates the obtaining of nirvana in one single lifetime. In the other forms of Buddhism, one must adhere to the rules, guidelines and beliefs to gain merit. This merit helps to bring one to a better station in life in the next reincarnation. Eventually, if a person accumulates enough merit, a life will be reached that can lead to the possibility of enlightenment.

Now, I do not want to give the wrong impression here — merit and reincarnation are much more complicated than this cursory explanation I give here. In Vajrayana, merit (or its negative counterpart) is gained and lost in the same way. The difference, though, is that the Tantric practices found in this primarily Tibetan form of Buddhism are meant to work off the negative karma and gain positive karma (a.k.a. merit) so enlightenment can be achieved in the current lifetime.

For me to have gained enlightenment so quickly, I needed what is considered one of the most important aspects of Vajrayana: a guru and a deep relationship with him. “Another guru!” you shout. Yes. This time, my guru won’t be a hookah- smoking political dissenter though — this time he will be an accomplished Buddhist master that is on par and, in fact, synonymous with Buddha.

If I had to pick one of the most integral parts of the guru-disciple relationship, it would have to be my reverence of him as Buddha. If I do not think of him as Buddha, I can never conceive of myself as learning from him how to be a buddha.

From my guru, I receive the special transmission of the dharma (Truth, in all its existence) so that I may become a buddha (which means one who is awakened to the truth).

The relationship is not just about my believing that he is a buddha and going about my way. No, instead I had to pray and make prostrations to my guru, who was a charming little fella I met while climbing in the mountains of Tibet during my spare time.

Through my prayers and devotions, I situated my mind such that it was ready to receive the dharma transmission. Practically, the dharma transmission is recognition by my master that I have obtained nirvana, and am now a buddha.

But did I really reach nirvana in a single week? Well, that’s what I claim, and no one can prove me otherwise, except my guru, and he likes me better. With this enlightenment, I can act in any way I so choose and accumulate no karma. As a buddha, I am so knowledgeable about the truth of existence, I can perform negative actions without gaining the negative karma associated with them.

Now, it is possible for me to engage in weird sexual acts (which Buddhist monks are normally prohibited from) and not have that affect my karmic balance. Just as easily I can drink alcohol, help little old ladies cross the street or eat some candy. Either way, it bears little on my personal karma.

Nicholas Shaman, a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at [email protected]