Some people complain that there are no straight men at Boston University. That’s a cheap stereotype. There are plenty of straight men at BU, all of whom I have cheaply stereotyped for you to provide a sloppy field map to your options.

Ya-Dudes!

A/S/L: Also known as BU Bros; you can hear them shout “Ya dude!” from the beer pong table across the room. Easily found in bars on Harvard Avenue, frat basements in the student ghetto and lifting at FitRec.

Pros: Your social calendar will diversify and expand immediately. My best friend claims Ya-dudes! are “great dancers.”

Cons: You may never see Ya-dudes! sober

How to woo them: Ya-Dudes! love ’80s rock and singing along to it on the outbound B-line. Learn all the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believin'” and join him when he and his buddies start it up next Saturday night. You should get an invitation to join him by the time you get off at Babcock Street. At the party, be his Beirut partner and then “get low.” Watch out for roofies.

Squares

A/S/L: I would argue that BU’s population of Squares is its largest male population, as an umbrella term for several different sub-categories. They range from nice, smart guys to crazy math and science geniuses to Everquest devotees. But they all can be found in the computer lab on a regular basis, at your hardest professor’s office hours and eating alone and reading at the GSU.

Pros: You have the best chance of going out on a real date with a Square, who is likely romantically inexperienced. There is an “awwshucks” quality to everything they do.

Cons: Like I said, they’re usually romantically inexperienced; if you keep in contact with them, you may be invited to meet their parents in two weeks.

How to: Squares are socially uncomfortable in every situation, but parties are the worst for them. Approach them with caution and be nice. Don’t be aggressive or they’ll freeze like a deer in the headlights. But if they start acting condescending, put them in their place by telling them you’re a level 47 Dark Elf Necromancer.

Hipster

A/S/L: These are those guys with artfully disheveled hair cuts and a guitar case. They can be found going to shows, reading Dostoevsky at coffee shops and riding their bikes toward Allston.

Pros: You can share pants.

Cons: You can share pants.

How to: You may be intimidated by the Hipster because of his extensive pretentious knowledge of music, movies, art or whatever he’s majoring in. You may assume you need to know something about it too to engage in conversation with him. This assumption is totally incorrect. The Hipster is usually so hopped up on his own ego and whatever substance he’s abused that day that he’ll happily talk your ear off about obscure Japanese literature or math metal, all you have to do to indulge his ego is happily nod and smile.

Foreigners

A/S/L: Best place to find them is on Newbury Street while they’re waiting for the valet outside the Armani Cafe. They are easily identified by a uniform of designer clothing and the strong smell of cologne.

Pros: Foreign food is delicious; he will buy you as many $9 mixed drinks as you want at “da club.”

Cons: He can trash you on the phone while you’re in the room, and you will have no idea. I have major problems with cologne.

How to: I have no idea how to talk to a Foreigner because, like most Americans, I refuse to speak anything but English. Good luck.

Burners

A/S/L: A rare find at BU; they usually hail from the West Coast and are confined to their rooms where they play countless hours of PS2 and eat junk food. When they wander out, they can be found in the corner of a room shrouded in a cloud of smoke having intense conversations about the DeLorean from Back to the Future.

Pros: Burners never have a clue about what’s going on around them. They usually don’t even know what day it is; this makes them very low-maintenance boyfriends.

Cons: They’ll always forget when and where to meet you.

How to: Find the smoker’s section of the party and ask them if they’ve ever seen Pink Floyd: Live at Pompeii; every Burner on the planet has seen and loves that movie. He will think you’re a genius.

So there you have it. There are good ones and bad ones in every category. And there are half-Square, half-Ya-Dudes!, Hipster-Burners, endless combinations of all these stereotypes. If I were you, I wouldn’t confine myself to just one type. And stop complaining there aren’t any straight guys at BU. As you can see, you have plenty of options.

Meredith Spencer, a junior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. She can be reached at [email protected].