This week, the ever-entertaining Ann Coulter continued her long tradition of saying things to give liberals brain aneurisms by claiming, “If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president.” At first I was absolutely shocked. Woman can vote? When did this happen? I called my girlfriend to double-check.
“It’s called the 19th Amendment, Brian,” she said. I laughed. “Everyone knows there are only Ten Commandments, Andrea,” I quickly replied. Then she called me childish. Then I said if I’m a child, she’s a pervert for sleeping with a kid. At that point, she hung up. I don’t think she was mad. I just think Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was about to come on.
Anyway, after some in-depth journalistic research (that is, after searching Wikipedia), I discovered that Ann Coulter and my girlfriend were, as usual, absolutely correct. Women are able to vote in elections, just like property-owning, white males. Now that that question was taken care of, I began to consider Coulter’s extremely factual assertion: Why do women vote Democrat?
The more I thought about it, the more I thought, “Why wouldn’t they?” With Democrats, every night is ladies’ night. They hand out birth control like breath mints, feed their insatiable appetites for abortions, coddle their children, tell them that dress doesn’t make their butt look big — and they pretty much blame men for all the ills in the world.
Now, the Democrats aren’t much, but they are clever marketers. They’ve struck a political goldmine by pandering to half the population’s simple and emotional impulses. But it’s not too late for my beloved Republican Party: Republicans can still make some changes to the way they do business to woo the women over to their side in time for the 2008 election.
First things first: They need an attractive ladies’ man to run for president. Look at JFK and Bill Clinton. These famous Dems had women all over them — albeit Kennedy’s were more attractive than Clinton’s, but you still get the point. Women tend to vote with their libidos, not their heads.
Republicans need someone right now who can outmatch the handsome men offered by the Democratic Party, such as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Mitt Romney isn’t bad, but he looks too much like a sleazy used-car salesman. Only prostitutes and single mothers sleep with used-car salesmen, and the Republican Party is too good for that.
If finding an attractive nominee is too difficult, may I suggest employing another clever tactic used by Democrats like John Edwards: Marry someone really ugly. When a guy marries someone less attractive then himself, it really garnishes favor with women. Look at Edwards’s wife — the lady looks as if she has been stung by a swarm of bees. Why would a dashing gent like Edwards ever want to be chained to that? Because it says to female voters that he’s sensitive and believes it’s what’s on the inside that matters. Chicks dig that crap, and that’s why they vote Democrat.
Republicans need to tap into that sensitive image Democrats portray so well. Girls aren’t attracted to practical fiscal policy and conservative politics. They want emotions; they want to hear about things that have absolutely no relevance to everyday life.
Maybe at Rudy Guiliani’s next campaign stop, he can share with voters how to make old T-shirts into a quilt. Perhaps John McCain can go on The View to talk about how Britney needs to get her life together. It doesn’t even need to be sincere. Women tend to believe anything men tell them — it’s in their genes.
Finally, Republicans have to tackle some issues important to woman voters. They did a bang-up job addressing issues important to guys with their stances on guns, war and gay people. But those manly issues can come off as harsh for those lacking a Y chromosome.
They need to create some awareness for female-related issues. Tax reductions are a favorite Republican plank. Why not use this practice to target women? Purchases of Grey’s Anatomy DVDs and Bath and Body Works soaps should be allowed as write-offs.
Maybe GOP lawmakers could even legislate time off each month for when a woman gets her period. Nothing shows you care about women more than saying, “Hey, your breasts are swollen and you’re acting bitchy. Why don’t you go home so everyone else here can function like normal human beings?” Come on, if they made it so every woman didn’t have to work while she was menstruating, every state in the union would be a red state.
It’s ideas like these that will trump the garbage the Democrats are peddling to American women now and ensure a Republican victory in 2008. Or, if all else fails, we can go Ann Coulter’s route and just not let women vote. You know, whichever is easier.
Brian Fudge, a senior in the College of Communication, is a weekly columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at bfudge@bu.edu.
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