The 2008 presidential election has sent ‘red Americans,’ (those citizens of the great bulwark of red states that anchor the flighty blue coasts) into hiding – at least if the post-election episode of ‘South Park’ is to be believed. And while their fears of an immediate apocalypse haven’t come to pass (the financial markets notwithstanding), they’re still trembling at the thought of four excruciating years of wealth-redistribution, amoral philandering and terrorist-hugging. The thing is, though, they can breathe a sigh of relief and come on out.
You see, President Barack Obama’s great secret is that he’s actually a pretty sad excuse for a liberal. Sure, the Europeans are still laughing at our so-called left wing, but when haven’t they? But whenever a hard-line Libertarian like Ron Paul is more liberal than the left’s candidate on foreign policy and the Internet, you know something is up.
So let’s check out this hippy’s blue credentials!
First up, the inauguration is over and we’re still in Iraq. The aforementioned Paul would have been out by now, as would everybody’s favorite crazy lady, Cindy Sheehan (good thing that America won’t elect a woman, right Repubs?). Oh sure, there is all that talk of measured withdrawal and letting the Iraqis handle their own defenses, but we’ve hardly turned into a nation of cheese-eating surrender monkeys! By W., Obama wants to put more troops on the ground in Afghanistan, so we’ll still be engaging in some manner of military action years after the original congressional measure that OK’d the war has expired!
Next up, conservatives should feel secure knowing that their every word and action are being carefully monitored by the all-knowing federal government. See, all that warrantless wiretapping nonsense might have been exposed thanks to some loose-lipped tree-hugger, but a recent congressional bill absolved the involved telecommunications companies of any legal responsibility for the highly illegal National Security Agency spy networks they set up. Now, you may have heard that Obama is a man of morals and integrity and figured that he voted against that, but you heard wrong! Turns out, everybody’s favorite new president was in support of granting retroactive immunity to those patriots at BellSouth and AT&T! This means that telcos can safely start putting together an even more devious spy network.’
Speaking of retroactive investigations, I bet you conservatives are still afraid of former President George W. Bush’s jolly crew of torturers facing some sort of investigation now that they’re out of power. Fear no more, red staters! Dear Mr. Obama isn’t only in cahoots with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who kept impeachment firmly off the table (just so you know, if she runs in 2012, you guys should really vote for her – she makes Joe Lieberman look like a loyal liberal!), but he’s even said that we need to focus on making the future a brighter place instead of trying to correct past wrongs with drawn-out prosecutions of war criminals from the previous administration. Sure, his pick for the Justice Department is being held up in questioning over this issue, but the president himself would never deign to start looking under any of the White House rugs.
Finally, I know you’re all terrified of the new, gay America. Sure, plenty of states have passed highly discriminatory legislation banning homosexuals from getting married and even adopting children (the nerve!), but with a blue-leaning White House, you’re sure it is only a matter of time before ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’ is re-released as a documentary. As before, set your minds to rest, right-wingers! Sure, Mr. Obama might want to see those God-mocking actors and makeup artists given the same legal rights as honest hunters and investment bankers, but he’ll never let them get married! Oh, sure, he’ll let them enter into a legalized union that’s identical to a marriage in virtually every respect, but he knows better than to actually call it that. Mr. Obama knows all those pesky instances of marriage being legally redefined to include a broader range of couples in the past 3,000 years or so are nothing but a load of nonsense – he is right with God! Sure, he may have paid the gay community lip service during the election, but he’ll be standing before the locked gates of Marriagetown, USA through the long liberal night, protecting conservatives’ right to marry, divorce and remarry!
I know he’s no John McCain (it takes a real man to be okay with torture after being tortured for years himself), but Mr. Obama isn’t the worst thing that could have happened. Just imagine if that actual Democrat – what was his name? Kooseenach? – had gotten elected instead!