PINION: Foreign policy follies

It’s been a rough seven years and change since 9/11, hasn’t it? Somehow, despite shooting innumerable brown people (just like the ones who flew planes into our nice buildings), terrorism has grown, anti-American sentiment has flourished and another Beatle has died (George, for my uncultured, music-hating readers). Of course, we know that it’s all thanks to the ‘story time president,’ former President George W. Bush. And after eight torturous years, the miserable, oppressed, conscripted, broke-turned-homeless American populace voted to change things up (well, 53 percent did at least).

So if you don’t mind, I’d like to take some time to walk you through where we’re heading in this brave new world of terrorist fist bumps, Portuguese water dogs and elitist eloquence. You see, military tactics are hopelessly convoluted things (consider Russia’s time-honored ‘die by the millions until winter makes them go away’ stratagem), so it helps to have an expert break it down into digestible bits for you.

Luckily for you, I’m such an expert. So, without further ado, let me present ‘The President Barack Obama Plan for Fighting Terrorism Differently than the Last Guy, Translated for the Everyman for Easy Reading.’

Step one: Spend the next 18 months in Iraq fighting to ‘liberate’ the locals by forcing centuries-old ethnic rivals to form a government, shooting people and making sure that Saddam doesn’t rise as a zombie-dictator. In the process, ensure that hundreds of precious American lives are thrown away for nothing at all. Finally, at the end of that year and a half, leave a good 50,000 troops in the country to train the local police (oh, and be the target of roadside explosives, kidnappings and missiles).

Step two: Invade Afghanistan – more – in retaliation against the Afghan – err – Saudi and Egyptian attackers on 9/11. Pour countless billions of dollars and hundreds of lives into an effort to stabilize a region that has thus far resisted all attempts at stabilization, while occasionally sending missions into the hill country to hunt for Osama bin Laden. Pointedly ignore tall men with lengthy beards.

Step three: Spend $671 billion on the Department of Defense in 2010, ensuring that it receives more than the departments of Education, Transportation, Health and Human Services, Energy, Veteran Affairs, State, Agriculture, Justice and Labor combined. This ensures that the American people will understand that the war on terror is even more important than stopping the massive financial crisis threatening to send the world into a multiyear depression of unimaginable proportions. Avoid speculating what the long-term costs of the war will be (people shouldn’t worry about what decades of veteran care and replacing America’s hobbled military capacity will cost).

Step four: Begin stashing political undesirables and poorly defined ‘enemy combatants’ in a secret prison which, while military in nature, is not technically on American territory.’ Cleverly utilize this legal loophole to deny the prisoners at this facility rights granted to most American prisoners and hold them indefinitely. Place the facility in, oh, let’s say Afghanistan, and think of an engaging, likeable name for it – something like Guantanamo, perhaps, but less Cuban. Send the convicts allowed into the military to meet recruitment goals to work as guards at this facility; they’ll treat the prisoners with respect.

Step five: Utilize the ‘state secrets doctrine’ to prevent German national Khaled el-Masri from suing the United States for months of unwarranted, inhumane torture inflicted upon him, after carefully reviewing the previous administration’s policy and declaring their use of the doctrine reprehensible. Forbid American courts from hearing his case in the foreseeable future and hope that he forgets the dehumanizing treatment he received and starts a successful sauerkraut and Wiener Schnitzel restaurant business instead.

Step six: Pour billions of dollars into the Israeli military every year, since the money wouldn’t be better spent feeding orphans or paying off the national debt. While at it, avoid talking about the American white phosphorus shells used by Israeli troops to burn defenseless Palestinian families. Support Israeli embargoes of the Gaza strip, like the refusal to allow highly dangerous terrorist tools like pasta into the area (despite Pastafarian protests). Refuse to sign a United Nations resolution condemning racism across the world until Israel’s name is stricken from the list of offending countries.

Step seven: Be utterly convinced that unsanctioned invasions of Middle Eastern countries, dozens of unwanted American military bases throughout the area, continued support of a belligerent regime in Israel, extraordinary rendition, secret prisons, years of unprosecuted torture of prisoners and unilateral bombings of civilian homes in Pakistan have absolutely nothing to do with why Islamic extremists despise us. Tell the American people that terrorists hate freedom, and then forcibly spread said freedom throughout the area while telling Americans that they can’t bring their toothpaste on the plane because it won’t fit into a Ziploc baggie.

See? With change like this, the war on terror should be over in time for the 6 o’clock news – I’d bet America’s international standing on it!