Columns, Opinion

KIRLAND: Classifying the crush

Everyone has one once in a while – or at least had one in his or her life. A lot of people have more than one and at different ages. Some people get their first one earlier than others. My first real one was in fifth grade. I was young and didn’t really know what it was just yet. I have friends who did not get their first until the end of junior high. They came to me for advice because they knew I had knowledge of the sensitive, personal subject. However, if you got your first any later than junior high, something must have been wrong with you. I am of course talking about a class crush. Falling hopelessly in love with one of your classmates is as inevitable as a masturbation joke in a Judd Apatow film – and just as ridiculously funny.

The classic class crush is of course on the super, unattainable hot girl – I’m going to use ‘girl’ when talking about crushes because I would feel awkward saying ‘hot guy,’ but this applies to female readers, too. Yes, I’m talking about the girl that is so smoking hot, one glance from her, and you forget what class you’re in. If you are lucky enough to get this glance, you pull your eyes away quickly and scratch your head, as if it was a mere coincidence that you were staring at her and drool was leaking from your mouth. You only hope that her Jennifer Aniston-ish beauty doesn’t come with mind-reading capabilities because for the next 10 minutes, you’re stuck fantasizing about what the rest of your life would be like with her.

Believe it or not, there is more than the classic class crush. There’s also the ‘I don’t have a clue why I’m attracted to you’ class crush. This may sound shallow, but it’s a real thing. There’s always someone in one of your classes over the years that you find enchanting for no good reason. She isn’t exactly Jennifer Aniston, but more of a Phoebe-type from ‘Friends’ – kind of weird and not exactly daydream-inducing. Actually, this type of crush is almost embarrassing. You can’t tell your friends because they’d ridicule you, and it could be the subject of jokes for years to come. At the same time, you can’t help but sneak an occasional peek at Phoebe, who’s dressed like a hippie and wearing purple reading glasses, and think, ‘Man, she’s kinda cute.’

A more respectable crush is the realistic class crush. This is the girl that is somewhere between Phoebe and Jennifer Aniston. I guess we’ll call her Courteney Cox. She’s a pretty girl who is ‘I would marry you and be happy seeing your face everyday’ hot, but not necessarily ‘I would be happy to be used by you in any way’ hot. Maybe you work with her on a group project and find that she’s pretty cool. Perhaps she likes sports and it’s refreshing that she knows that ‘safety’ is a football position – not just something you say after you fart. She doesn’t mind that you can recite every spell from the ‘Harry Potter’ series. You probably even sit next to her in class once in a while, and she is nice enough to laugh at your dumb jokes. The only reason this girl is a ‘crush’ at this point is because you don’t pull the trigger and ask her out for whatever reason. Maybe you’re still hoping that the 300 other guys courting Ms. Aniston will suddenly evaporate.

The last most common class crush is the one on the teacher or teaching assistant. I would say this is more absurd than the classic crush, but I actually think otherwise. Everyone loves a cougar, and some cougars are on the prowl for little cubs – take Demi Moore for example. The older you get, the likelihood of having a relationship with a teacher increases. The good thing about having a crush on a teacher is that you can hide it easily if you want to. She may read your glazed eyes and stupid smile as an intense passion for what she’s teaching.

Undoubtedly, everyone’s had a cougar teacher he liked. I’m sure everyone was once attracted to a weird girl for no reason. I know everyone has stared longingly at the super hot girl. And yes, there will always be people messing up chances at a good relationship with the Courteney Coxes of their classrooms. Classroom crushes aren’t anything to be embarrassed about because everyone goes through one – so maybe everyone should be more open about them. However, the last time I was open about one was in fifth grade, and that didn’t go too well. I left a note in the girl’s locker, and I saw her take it out two hours later when the teacher said, ‘Please take out a piece of scratch paper for this next assignment.’ Whatever, I heard she turned out to be a lesbian anyway. Maybe it’s better to just live for that occasional glance.

Website | More Articles

This is an account occasionally used by the Daily Free Press editors to post archived posts from previous iterations of the site or otherwise for special circumstance publications. See authorship info on the byline at the top of the page.

Comments are closed.