Columns, Opinion

FORSTER, GLANDER AND SAUER: Playing with ourselves

ThingFight headquarters, located conveniently inside an active volcano below the Charles River, is home to activities you’re better off not knowing about. Forbidden experiments to create a new animal more whimsical than a unicorn while at the same time more hilarious than a kitten dressed as a firefighter. Thousands of monkeys sitting at thousands of typewriters working on the next edition of ThingFight, in addition to one monkey sitting at a typewriter working on ThingFight’s sister column, Thx;w{4n. But perhaps most disturbing of all are our slumber parties. Every Thursday, we here at ThingFight put on the ‘Mean Girls’ DVD, zip up the footed pajamas and have a no-girls-allowed extravaganza.

Our faithful and attractive readers may wonder, ‘is it really acceptable for three shaggy-haired, adorably attractive college students to have the same hobbies as blossoming thirteen-year-old girls? Also, why are we faithful and attractive readers not invited?’ Faithful and attractive readers, we’ll talk about it tomorrow. It’s past your bedtime. For the moment, we have to discuss some of our favorite slumber party games: Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. The unisex sleepover would be incomplete without both of these games; they’re endlessly entertaining, and they invariably end in at least one ThingFight columnist getting naked. But last week, in a game of Truth or Dare, a pressing question arose, one which it is our duty not to avoid: what if these games fought?

When people at a party grow tired of catching up, eating refreshments, partaking in political discussions and playing Scattergories, they often retreat to one of the most widespread and creatively demanding games, Truth or Dare. More hands-on than Would You Rather and less emotionally draining than Live/Screw/Cliff, Truth or Dare will sate even the hungriest partygoer ‘-‘- if they’re hungry for embarrassment. In the least sexual days of childhood, when Spin the Bottle wasn’t even dreamed of, you had Truth or Dare to accompany your soir’eacute;es. It dared you to do the things that you only hoped to do, but never had a reasonable excuse, like take a naked lap around the babysitter’s house or compliment your sister. It prompted us to tell even our medially dark secrets and reshape what we considered ‘truth.’ But most of all, it was a game of strategy.

Take our research assistant, Calvin Kreipiefaise (pronounced ‘Creepyface’), the temporary fill-in for Alliteration Adam, who was attacked by an alligator. Calvin shared with us a chilling anecdote. He nixed Spin the Bottle due to its gambling nature and instead concocted a premeditated and highly involved scheme to sexually invade his crush’s grill. Calvin bribed his lab partner to dare his crush to give him an Eskimo kiss, also known as a Swedish handjob. He thanks Truth or Dare for this experience, and the fact that his crush couldn’t pronounce the word ‘truth.’

When we want to stop beating around the bush and get straight to the nitty-gritty, Spin the Bottle steps in to play the catalyst. Lets face it: toward the end of Truth or Dare, you’ve taken off your pants, waggled your wang around on the street and done everything short of showering your prospective spring fling in osmoregulated excretory fluid to fulfill a seventh grader’s rendition of the woodpecker’s mating dance, but you still have nothing to show for your over-sexed preteen libido. Then comes Spin the Bottle. No outs, just guaranteed action, and Suzy’s never looked better with her BubbleSmack lip gloss. This is the tween’s rite of passage, the month-long jaunt through the forest to claim his manhood, crammed into a single wet, sloppy, poorly-performed kiss with flickering tongue and dripping saliva that’s really more of a one-man act; think Scooby-Doo making nasty with Daphne. No time is wasted on constricting rules; there’s only one rule to Spin the Bottle: everyone gets some with anyone. Even the kid with braces (who magnetized the bottle). But when its all over and the Coke bottle shatters, who’s gonna take you home? With your luck, and your age, it’ll probably be your mom, and Spin the Bottle rules no longer apply.

The winner? Truth or Dare, because it can be played even in the most bottle-less situations. Say, for instance, you were trapped inside a volcano below the Charles River and you needed entertainment. Bottles are hard to come by (the Charles River mermaids prefer their beverages in cans), and if you found one, you’d probably rather use it to send out a message that read something like ‘to anyone on the mainland: I am trapped on an island with three college freshmen who won’t keep their pants on. Please send help, or at least a DVD that isn’t ‘The Notebook.”

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