Columns, Opinion

KIRLAND: Maybe I’m missing out

I know I’m not a sports columnist, but I’ve got to give some props to our national championship-winning men’s hockey team. I also have to come clean and admit I wasn’t a big hockey fan until I watched the game last Saturday-a game that a lot of hockey experts are calling ‘the greatest collegiate hockey game ever played.’ I got emotionally invested in it. I knew this because when we went down 3-1 with under four minutes left, I started to get that doomsday depression I get every October when my Chicago Cubbies lose their first playoff game. To my delight, I got to experience a redeeming elation when we forced the game to overtime and shocked both the Miami Redhawks and the collective hockey world.

I’d like to thank the Boston University Terriers for turning me on to hockey. More importantly, I am in debt to them for helping me come up with a column topic for this week. Before Saturday’s championship game, the only hockey I enjoyed watching involved Gordon Bombay’s ‘Mighty Ducks.’ After Saturday’s game, I swore I would try to attend most home games next year because hockey is pretty cool. My sudden change of heart got me thinking: Are there other things – things I currently dislike – that I might actually appreciate if I gave them the chance?

The first thing that comes to mind for me is this new phenomenon known simply as ‘tweeting.’ According to the scholarly, a ‘tweet’ is defined as ‘a post on Twitter, a real-time social messaging system.’ From what I can gather, you sign up for an account on Twitter and become a member. Once you’re a member, you can view other people’s ‘tweets’ and even ‘tweet’ yourself. I think this is ridiculous. Posting a status on Facebook is enough for me. But perhaps I would enjoy ‘tweeting’ and letting everyone know what’s on my mind every two minutes. The problem is that if I posted every thought I had, people would think I was ‘random,’ ‘creepy’ or ‘weird as hell.’ But who knows? If NBA players can tweet in the locker room at halftime, maybe it’s not a big deal if an insignificant columnist from The Daily Free Press ‘tweets’ once in a while.

Most NBA players have more than just Twitter pages – they have loads of tattoos too. Maybe I should get one. I think they’re stupid, but then again I didn’t like hockey a week ago, either. I’m sure some people would think I looked cool – besides my beloved mother, who wouldn’t let me in my home ever again – if I got some kind of sweet tat. I could get a fierce looking bear and his little cub to show that I’m a tough Chicago Bears and Cubs fan. My arms might not look as scrawny and I might intimidate some people. You never know.

OK, maybe a tattoo isn’t a great idea if I want to be welcomed with open arms back into my home this summer. I could just try using some kind of small vanity product I dislike. My hair’s getting longer. Maybe now is the time is to start using hair gel as liberally as the metrosexual male population in Boston and those dudes in the ‘My New Haircut’ YouTube video. The gel seems to work for them. I see a lot of hot girls ‘- girls who could be with George Clooney or Brad Pitt ‘- instead dating toolish, gelled-haired freaks. I’m not sure if George and Brad use gel, but I would be silly to try to emulate them. Instead of spiking my hair-like a lot of the metros-I could do some kind of hybrid curly-spike. I’d call it the ‘speed bumps’ hairdo. My pickup line could be something like, ‘Slow down, baby. You’re gonna hit the speed bumps too hard.’

Once I get a Twitter page, a tattoo, and speed bump my hair up, I might as well just walk around and try to knock out all the other things I dislike. First, I could stop at an Indian restaurant and try some food. Yummy? We’ll see. After I digest and start ripping some nasty Indian-food-induced farts, I can go try to play soccer. It was the only mainstream sport I disliked more than hockey. If my hair isn’t too messed up, maybe I could go out later that night and try out the whole club scene that I really never have cared for. I figure I’d have a Twitter page, tattoo and gelled hair, so I’d fit right in. Maybe I’d need an earring, but that’s fine because piercing my ear would simply be trying one more thing I dislike.’

Then again, maybe realizing that I like hockey is enough. I should work on following through with my promise and going to more games next year. Plus, I really hate hair gel and I am pretty sure everyone would laugh at the speed bumps.

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