Arts & Entertainment, The Muse

Snap, crackle … POP!

When one of my close friends was preparing to run the Boston Marathon last spring, he warned me of some of the consequences of putting your body through such a strenuous run: dehydration, vomiting, pulled muscles . . . bloody nipples.

It was the bloody nipples that really got me.

‘ ‘It will look like red CDs on each side of my chest,’ he said, explaining that it is the runner’s T-shirt that causes chaffing and the subsequent nipple blood.

As this phenomenon was explained to me, I couldn’t help but conjure up images of Katie Holmes running the New York City Marathon, crossing the finish line, her Under Armor tank top oozing with blood. Did she whip them off before Suri needed a post-marathon snack? Were bloody nipples acceptable within the Church of Scientology? We don’t think Xenu would be pleased, Katie!

In recent years, it has been increasingly popular for celebrities to show their endurance by running in some sort of marathon. From Mario Lopez and Will Ferrell, who both ran the Boston Marathon, to Oprah Winfrey’s well-documented participation in the Marine Corps Marathon, celebrities taut and soft alike (well, maybe Oprah was in a skinny phase then) are getting in on the marathon action.

But why do they feel the need to do this? Must they really infiltrate the common folk’s lives and show up at a marathon with an entourage of security and personal water bottle carriers (or Xenu warriors in Holmes’s case)?

Well, look at the magnificent, free publicity. First of all, they will end up in the pages of US Weekly, right next to Jennifer Love Hewitt in the ‘Stars . . . they’re just like us’ section. As we examine J. Love buying some toilet paper at the Beverly Hills Rite Aid, Katie Holmes and her nips will be prominently featured beside her.

Considering most celebrities don’t eat anyway, training for a marathon is the perfect distraction when considering eating disorder rumors. The oodles of press at the same time doesn’t hurt too much either. It truly is a win-win situation.

Look at P.Diddy: his participation in the New York City Marathon got him his own reality show. Watching Diddy run his ass off as hard as he made poor Aubrey dance in the studio for all those years only to kick her out of Danity Kane was totally worth it. For a second, we almost sympathized with poor Diddy . . . oh wait, Cassie just shaved her head, we do. Have fun tapping that, Didz.

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