KIRLAND: Gym time

Okay, maybe there are a lot of reasons to get excited about the nice weather in Boston. Sure, it’s nice to see girls wear summer clothes again along with those sunglasses that are so big that you can’t tell if they’re hot or not because you can’t see half of their face. It’s great to see those hippies in tie-dyed shirts offering free hugs to people who clearly don’t want them over in Marsh Plaza. It’s funny to watch really un-athletic dudes toss Frisbees way over one another’s heads over at the Boston University Beach. I love that all these things mean that classes are coming to an end and that summer is right around the corner. But, the warm weather and impending summer means that all of us, men and women, are going to have to show more of our now-pale bodies.

So, break out your dusty running shoes, ridiculously comfortable athletic shorts and junk-condensing spandex because it’s time to head to the gym. I know it seems impossible to head back to the gym after a four-month hiatus. What if people make fun of how out of shape you are? What if you fall off the treadmill or drop a weight on yourself? Don’t worry. I’ve come up with a few tips and tricks to make getting back in shape a little easier-and to avoid looking like a complete moron in the process.

First, avoid getting a treadmill next to the extremely hot girl. Yes, this always seems tempting because you’ll have something to look at and forget about the chest, leg and arm cramps you are experiencing. However, she’ll have something to look at too: an out of shape, creepy loser who is sweating profusely while he runs at the pathetic treadmill speed of 3.3. I think that translates to a whopping speed of 3.5 miles per hour. If you insist on jumping onto a treadmill next to a hot girl, make sure she’s at the end of her workout so you can effortlessly sprint until she finishes her run. Trust me, it works.

My next bit of advice is just to stay away from the bench press for a good three weeks. I always tell myself I’m going to start with a little weight the first week I get back to the gym and then slowly work myself up to a respectable weight to lift. However, this never works. I always end up using a bench next to a hockey player or some athletic monster who presses 350 pounds eight times. I, being the competitive ex-football-playing moron that I am, load up my bar to a respectable weight so that the athletic beast is impressed if he looks on. The problem is that I need him to look on because in about two seconds flat I have a 300-pound weight stuck to my chest that only he can lift off.

The third tidbit of advice I have for you is to dress appropriately. If you aren’t the aforementioned athletic beast, please stay away from sleeveless shirts. I can speak for most people when I say lay off the short-shorts too ‘- that is unless you are the hot girl on the treadmill because you can wear anything and get away with it. Seriously though, if people wanted to check out short-shorts on parade, they could just have easily stayed home and watched a John Stockton highlight reel on YouTube. Unless you’re a 45-year-old dad going for a morning run with your fanny pack, sunglasses with a strap so they don’t fall off your neck and a glob of white sunscreen on your nose, stay away from short-shorts.

Another quick tip along those same lines is to not walk around the locker room naked. It’s the 21st century, and we have separate showers for a reason. Remember how I mentioned junk-condensing spandex? The point of condensing your junk and hiding it in general is because no one wants to see it. We all have our own junk to look at, thanks.

My fifth and final bit of advice is to stay motivated. Think of ways to get your butt out of bed and onto an exercise ball. Make yourself believe that skipping one workout will lead to you being called ‘Free Willy’ on the beach. Convince yourself that running every other day for an extended period will allow you to be able to run on Marathon Monday next year instead of passing out at 10 a.m. like me. The bottom line is that no one has a legitimate excuse for missing gym time. That is, unless, you have to write an article every week. It takes up a lot of time. Right? Yeah, I think columnists are exempt.