Dear reader (Mike, I’m afraid you’re alone now; Eric had a sudden outburst of good taste), I must regretfully inform you that this is my final communiqu’eacute; ‘- my last missive, my ultimate column. Despite the fact that our world is still rife with injustice (at press time, we still haven’t invaded Iran, North Korea or France), I shall soon not only leave these blessed pages, but indeed, these hallowed halls of learning altogether. If you need a tissue to wipe your teary eyes, I suggest the sports section, so long as it’s not on the back of my column.
‘ ‘ ‘ All better now? Very well; let’s move on. This is no time for me to ignore my twin missions (epic quests, really) of reader education and gratuitous parentheses-abuse (take that, 10th grade English teacher). Indeed, if you had to choose one final thing to read before joining a book burning cult, I would recommend that you pick the final thing I ever write.
‘ ‘ ‘ Ah, but what subject to fix my baleful gaze upon on this, the most final of weeks? My compatriots here at the The Daily Free Press have written extensively about such rarefied topics as The Boss’s crotch and Queen Elizabeth’s excrement, and I must strive to at least match their writerly prowess. It’s lucky, then, that the world has given me such a plethora of topics to peruse!
‘ ‘ ‘ First of all, I must give a stern crossed-arms stare at our good president for his recent turnaround on the issue of torture. I admit, I should have known it from the start, when he declared that he would not ‘work in secret to avoid honoring our laws and Constitution,’ effectively promising to welcome terrorists into America with open arms. But then, for a brief, shining moment, when he was striking down lawsuits and Freedom of Information Act requests and refusing to prosecute those responsible for America’s torture policies, I was sure that we’d all be safe from freedom-hating foreign fighters. But now, sadly, Obama’s revised his position, allowing the Justice Department or Congress to open bipartisan investigations into those responsible for the Bush torture memos. This is how we reward our heroes: by incarcerating the men who created the vast extremist armies that we now fight everyday for our very survival! At least the innocent, upstanding CIA agents, who ruthlessly tormented innocent captives in secret prisons across the world, will remain free from scrutiny, thanks to the age-old ‘I was just following orders’ defense!
‘ ‘ ‘ It gets even worse, I’m afraid. Screaming, frothing-mouthed men on FOX News are now telling me that our president ‘- that is to say, the leader of the free world and the ultimate Big Cheese ‘- has shaken hands with the president ‘- that is to say, vile dictator and unrepentant kitten-kicker ‘- of Venezuela, Hugo ‘Citgo Sign’ Chavez. This grievous show of weakness has signaled to the world’s waiting wolves that America has fallen from being a prestigious nation well-respected by Coalition nations like Poland and capable of throwing entire countries into turmoil because they looked at us funny a decade ago. At best, we now rank as the international equivalent of that scrawny kid with glasses who nobody wants on their kickball team. I’d recommend stocking up on assault rifles and canned beans (if they’re good enough for Rorschach, they’re good enough for me, I always say!) to prepare yourself for the upcoming simultaneous invasion by Russia, China, and California (which will declare independence, under the leadership of President Ralph Nader, weeks after an earthquake detaches the state from the coast).
‘ ‘ ‘ Of course, we hardly need to be ripped apart by the dozens of nations itching to demolish our society at the first sign of liberalism when the country is rotting from within. You know exactly what I’m talking about, dear reader.
‘ ‘ ‘ So, go ahead and take your trash out to the dumpster like a responsible youngster. That’s better. There are landfill workers who feed their families getting paid to pile trash like that into mountains of steaming waste!
‘ ‘ ‘ Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes, that’s right: how the left is blasting away the moral fiber of our nation with power tools like legal reform and judicial activism. Their current target? The sanctity of American marriages. And I’m afraid to say that the equal-righters are winning.
‘ ‘ ‘ More and more states are legalizing this sacrilegious spit in God’s holy, all-seeing eye (which burns, lidless and red, atop his dark tower of Barud’Dur in Heaven) with little regard for the enormous cost to our nation’s soul. With New York poised to join gay havens (gay-vens, I call ’em) like Massachusetts and Connecticut, our country is in serious danger from threats too threatening for me to invent. It was a good bit of luck that a majority of Californians voted to deny homosexuals the same marriage rights granted to serial rapists and Republican congressmen. They’ve managed to briefly stave off the inevitable apocalypse that will be visited upon our sinful globe. How we escaped destruction for teaching our kids the Earth is round, I’ll never know.
‘ ‘ ‘ Of course, you can do your part. It’s easy to hate irrationally. Indeed, you don’t have to think about it at all (and I would recommend that you not; thoughts are the Devil’s way of getting you to be reasonable). I’d recommend joining a violent-looking mob (if they’re wearing white, hooded robes, they’re definitely the one you want) and brandishing a poorly spelled sign declaring that not only homosexuals, but liberals, Muslims and the New York Yankees will all be punished for being different than you.
‘ ‘ ‘ Of course, angry mobs are something that our nation’s seen a lot of here lately. Indeed, the populist rage (not that economically liberal, socially conservative Populism, but the sort where poor people throw rocks at rich people) coursing through our nation’s veins may well manage to salvage the U.S. after all (Palin 2012 won’t hurt, either, of course ‘- we’re watching you, Russia, don’t chya know!). Patriotic ‘Tea Baggers’ have been gathering across the country, protesting Wall Street and Washington shenanigans and listening to a lot of Kenny Chesney CDs. Indeed, I’ve been known to partake in a bit of tea bagging myself, and there is nothing quite as satisfying as symbolically squatting over your humiliated opposition, rubbing their myriad failures all over their face.
‘ ‘ ‘ Of course, I was heartily inspired by the example of these brave, derided freedom-lovers, and thought that I might close out my time here at the paper with a list of further protest suggestions to help stir up rigorous public debate (and nab plenty of camera time on the evening news). Tea bagging for justice is a fantastic start, but I know that we Americans can do better than that. So, without further delay, I’d like to present the Pinion’s Opinions Official List of Rabble-Rousing Ideas.
1.’ ‘ ‘ Clam Slamming ‘- We all know that Massachusetts is a haven for amoral liberalism, but it’s also one of the largest clam producers in the world. So why not show our disapproval of such heinous policies as giving medical insurance to all citizens and electing John Kerry by violently slamming the state’s delectable sea treats into each other? Our cacophonous disapproval will echo through the streets straight to the State House. A few hundred protestors will be able to ruin a day’s worth of harvest in just a few hours, so you’ll get to show those greedy capitalists who own seafood restaurants or man fishing boats just how serious you are about not helping them out. Just be careful ‘- clams can be slippery when wet.
2.’ ‘ ‘ Barebacking ‘- It’s a well-known fact that modern society heavily frowns upon any overt displays of masculinity. Shooting adorable animals and then stuffing their carcasses and mounting them and marrying, cheating on and eventually divorcing (exclusively) women are under threat from feminists all over the country, and don’t even get me started on a child support and divorce law system exclusively designed to make men homeless, even if paternity tests prove them not the father. So why not show the world that it’s still okay to be a man’s man by gathering together and throwing off our protective outer garments, displaying our manly muscles and beer bellies to the world? I dream of a day when the streets are filled with shirtless, shouting men, marching for their rights.
3.’ ‘ ‘ Flashing ‘- Environmentalists and so-called ‘scientists’ would have us believe that global warming and oil shortages threaten not just America, but the entire world. Their dire predictions of melted icecaps and polar bears set afloat in the ocean are certainly terrifying, but they haven’t even shown any proof that isn’t overwhelming. So, when they ask us to turn off our lights when we’re not in the room, I say we respond by flashing them on and off repeatedly before leaving. Sure, a few seconds of oil-consuming illumination per day may not seem like much, but if millions of people do it the world over, we can prove those treehuggers wrong. And yes, people will be shocked by what we’re doing and might even avert their eyes, but the truth is worth a bit of public humiliation.
I think that with ideas like these in hand, you’ll be able to carry on in my absence, making the world a better place. Sure, it might be years before we can return to the glory days of Bush and Reagan, but at least the world will know that America isn’t a nation to be trifled with, even if its leader does own a Portuguese Water Dog instead of a good old American Kodiak Bear.