Columns, Opinion

KIRLAND: The morning after

We’re all lucky to still be in college. We’re lucky to live in a fairy tale for four years where it’s socially acceptable to wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings and either not remember or just flat out regret how the night before ended. There’s nothing like waking up on your bed-which doesn’t have sheets now for some reason-in clothes you didn’t remember putting on the night before. It’s great to still be able to live what I like to call the Morning After.

After a certain amount of drinks you had the previous night, your memory faded to black. The Morning After (MA) forces you to become the detective in the mystery that was last night. It can be quite fun at times ‘- and not so fun at others. Here are some tricks I use when I find myself in a bind on a MA:

Always check your phone immediately. Check the call list and see whom you drunk dialed. Hopefully, you don’t see anything resembling ‘911,’ ‘Grandma’ or the name of your eighth grade girlfriend. Check your texts, too. Sometimes you get texts back from girls saying, ‘What did you mean by that?’ or ‘I’m not just a booty call, you jerk!’ or ‘What do you mean you kind of like me? Do you mean you like me like me?’

If your phone doesn’t provide you with enough evidence, log in to your Facebook. The worst is when you get tagged in a bunch of pictures that feature you dancing with random object that you must have found at the site of the previous night’s festivities.’ Common objects in these pictures are brooms, blow up dolls, stuffed animals, beer bongs, signs, posters, plungers and hats. The only pictures worse than these are the pictures in which you’re dancing with a stranger who looks a little too friendly. Don’t forget your ability to remove the tags in this situation.

If you can’t find evidence on your phone or Facebook, look into the unforgiving faces of your roommates for clues. Sometimes you wake up knowing whatever you did the night before wasn’t good ‘- even though you’re not quite sure what that was ‘- and it’s embarrassing to ask. You know you did something wrong when you wake up, open your door, come out to your living room and your roommates fall unusually silent and avoid eye contact with you. Just buy them a gift basket and apologize profusely.

My last bit of advice is to take a deep breath. Sure, this doesn’t help to figure out what you did last night, but it’s essential. Unfortunately, the MAs in real life aren’t always as funny as the MA in ‘The Hangover.’ You never know, though. Maybe something you did the night before will make you a legend forever. Maybe your friends found out you’re a really good dancer. Maybe something you said last night to someone was something you’ve been meaning to say for a while. Or maybe you were just a little too inebriated. It’s okay though ‘- remember, we’re still in the college fairy tale.

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