Columns, Opinion

KIRLAND: Emma, go out with me

I believe in love at first sight. I say this because it’s happened to me before – Cupid caught me off guard and sent his divinely painful arrow through my unsuspecting heart. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was actually in 2001 when I fell in love for once and for all. I was only 13 and I had found the girl for whom I would sell all my old baseball cards – including a rare one of Michael Jordan on the White Sox – to pay for a wedding ring from that cheap jewelry store Claire’s or whatever it’s called.

Maybe people think it’s embarrassing to fall madly in love with a girl in front of your family – but when I saw Hermione come on screen for the first time at the ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’ premiere, I couldn’t control myself. It was if God himself created the perfect girl for me – and was playing some cruel practical joke on me at the same time. How could Billy – the pubescent, slightly pimpled, definitely brace-faced 13 year-old – ever end up with Emma Watson?

Why do I bring this up now, you ask? Well I think it’s time to finally make my pitch to Emma on why this post-pubescent, non-brace faced, now very rarely pimpled, almost 21-year-old is perfect for her. I only feel bad that this proposal of sorts is coming eight years after I knew I was in love.

If you’re reading, Emma, we’re perfect for each other. You play the role of Hermione, and I was Harry Potter for Halloween two years ago. You’re a celebrity and so am I. I’m a big time writer for The Daily Free Press and an associate producer and star on BUTV’s hit sports show, ‘Offsides.’ I’m sure you’ve read all my columns and seen all my shows. I’m kind of a big deal around Boston.

We could ditch the paparazzi together and spend our riches – in case you didn’t know, Emma, I’ve got two really high-paying work study jobs – on nights in penthouses in the world’s finest cities. We could be one of those celebrity couples where one big star is dating a relatively unknown star. Don’t worry, Emma, I’ll never make you feel insecure because my star burns a little brighter than yours.

I’m a film major and obviously you’re into movies – or in them. I could write scripts for you. I won’t label you as the girl who could only play Hermione. You’ll be an adult star under my direction, not just a child phenomenon.’ I won’t annoy you with talk of Harry Potter all the time-even though I’ve read all the books three times each. Instead, we can talk about sophisticated things like the world’s economic woes, fashion, world peace or the Chicago Bears.

Emma, I’ve been attracted to you since before anyone knew how hot you’d become – ask my friends from home and they’ll tell you I always picked you as my celebrity crush at the lunch table. Now that we’re close to the same level of celebrity, I think it’s time to ask you out. Feel free to Facebook friend me and/or email me – you’ll get my phone number eventually.’ Until then, this barely post-pubescent, formerly brace-faced, sometimes slightly pimpled, almost 21-year-old wannabe celebrity will be anxiously waiting for you to get back to him. Damn you, Cupid.

Comments are closed.