Columns, Opinion

GLANDER, SAUER AND FORSTER: Pepsi presents: The Nancies

Dear Nancies,
‘ ‘ ‘ ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this online, but oh well ‘hellip;You just seem so different from the other guys, I can’t help thinking that we could be perfect together. Check out my website at’s/dunkaroos and comment me.
I hope to see you soon, xoxo, Tiffany’
‘ ‘ ‘ Nancies, I got this reply to the Craigslist ad I placed. Do you think it could be my next true love?
‘ ‘ ‘ Sent via e-mail,
‘ ‘ ‘

Dear Hockey Dude 2001,
‘ ‘ ‘ Any college-aged student knows the Internet is a cornucopia of opportunity. We contemplate completing online internship surveys, advertise our bands on the non-trashy part of MySpace and shop for clothing items and medicines too embarrassing to buy in front of suspecting cashiers. But for every opportunity the Internet has provided, it has blazed a trail for perverts, guiding them with chat rooms, auctions and AccuWeather radars ‘- all tools for preying on unsuspecting surfers. Although Craigslist has yet to give us any substantial proof that it is a haven for these shady folk, we implore you to take a deeper look at your true love’s response; it may be peppered with the prose of a poser.
?????Let’s look at this love letter optimistically. The first sentence gives her that girl-next-door charm, and her use of ‘perfect’ makes her attitude innocent-esque. Her bad-girl signature, that sultry x-o, left us raring to post our own ‘Three chill Nancies seeking one cutie patootie.’ Seeing that her so-called personal website is littered with ads for a’ccedil;ai extract, Frank Miller movie-based diet plans and SARS masks, we’re thinking your future soulmate may simply be an independent Internet-based advertising robot hell-bent on getting hopes up. But hey, robots can get freaky, too.
‘ ‘ ‘ Parenthetically,
‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies

Dear Nancies,
‘ ‘ ‘ My roommate’s birthday is this week. I’ve only known her since the beginning of the semester, and we’re not very close, but I still feel like I should get her at least a card. Any tips?
‘ ‘ ‘ Sincerely,
‘ ‘ ‘ Troubled in Towers

Dear Ms. Towers,
‘ ‘ ‘ Thoughtful as they may be, a ‘hApPi BiRtHdAi’ text message and an enthusiastic spanking aren’t going to cut it if you want to take your gifting to a college level (or even a MATCH Charter Public High School level, for that matter). ‘ ‘ ‘
‘ ‘ ‘ ‘It’s the thought that counts’ only applies if you’re thinking like the parents in an episode of My Super Sweet 16. For the party you’re now in charge of planning, which we expect will go down in history as both ‘lavish’ and ‘disgustingly overblown,’ we can get you a discounted rate on three advice columnists who moonlight as exotic dancers. While it’s not mandatory to buy her a car, it’s expected that you’ll at least steal one.
‘ ‘ ‘ You’ve got a lot of work ahead of you, Towers. But before you get started, are you sure it’s her real birthday? In these rough economic times, where people find cheap thrills in changing their birthday on Facebook and awaiting response, you can’t be too sure. If you get a chance, check her birth date on her driver’s license or any other valid form of government-issued identification. If she has a fake, you’re out of luck. If it’s real, get her a fake I.D.
‘ ‘ ‘ Voraciously,
‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies

Dear Nancies,
‘ ‘ ‘ I fancy myself an amateur inventor, and I think my latest caped underwear is the cat’s pajamas (Although not literally ‘- I know better), but my roommate begs to differ. How am I supposed to be a worthwhile member of society if my contributions are too commonplace?
‘ ‘ ‘ Thanks,
‘ ‘ ‘ Average Low?
Dear Low,
‘ ‘ ‘ The fact is, certain inventions carry more academic zest than others. Who’s to say that a Snuggie doesn’t boast the same creative juice behind it as the telephone? Sure, it’s different juice (Welch’s and wine, respectively) but there’s a time and place for both. The beauty behind creativity is that dumb people stumble upon it too. Think about all the diamonds in the rough out there: coat hangers, pockets, shoe horns, Furbies, etc. These inventions shape our world in a more subtle way.
‘ ‘ ‘ We need you, Low. To prove it, we ran a scenario between the inventor of the Snuggie and Benjamin Franklin. The two were placed in a room set just below freezing; the challenge: live through the night. Lo and behold, come morning rise, what shape should be breathing? Shivering though it may have been, that of the African Gorilla, creator of the Snuggie, with a half-devoured blanket dangling from his maw. We noted Franklin’s lackluster performance as we carted his coffin back to the graveyard from whence it came.
‘ ‘ ‘ That’s not to say we don’t understand the thrill that comes with inventing something truly ingenious. We came up with an algorithm to give your caped underwear a more intellectual spin. The result was ‘Cap sous-v’ecirc;tements.’ We’re having patenting issues.
‘ ‘ ‘ Flippantly,
‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies?

One Comment

  1. Hello Nancies,<br/>I’m never the type to resort to writing an email or letter in complaint, in fact I cant recall myself ever writing one, but when I flipped through the Daily Press today at lunch and read your advice column I wanted to tear the eyes from my skull and my brain nearly exploded from all of the smugness coming from your responses. You nancy boys have no grasp of comedic writing and are naueseating in your verbosity which im sure is straight from Webster’s onto Word. Not only do your vapid friend’s questions make this column pointless and souless but you even managed to throw a prejudiced remark in about the M.A.T.C.H school which has me convinced that you are not only smug but also elitist and ignorant. I’m greatly disappointed in the BU Free Press for giving these clowns there own column.