FORSTER, GLANDER AND SAUER: The devil’s trail mix

Dear Nancies.

When I first came to college, I was determined to have a substance-free experience. However, after my freshman year, I’m not sure it’s possible to have fun in college without drugs and alcohol. Help me, Nancies. You’re my only hope.

‘ ‘ Sober and Out ‘ ‘ ‘

Dear Ms. Out,

‘ Many of Boston University’s oldest faculty members will tell you that students had more fun during the prohibition era than they do now. This was no doubt due to the abundance of top hats, twirly mustaches and dust bowls, though the absence of alcohol may have played a small role.

‘ It’s a real shame that college students are literate enough to make sobriety-related puns, yet so under-informed about alternatives to getting medieval on their own brain cells. There’s plenty to do on weekend nights here at BU, both on and off campus. See how many free energy drinks you can take in before you go into cardiac arrest. Add an element of stripping to just about any card game (solitaire included). If you look hard enough, you’ll find that there are myriad ways to avoid alcohol (the devil’s water) and drugs (the devil’s trail mix) while still embarrassing yourself, wasting time and throwing away money. In fact, that was the original mission statement of the College of Fine Arts.

‘ Unanimously,

‘ The Nancies ‘ ‘ ‘

Dear Nancies,

‘ ‘ Astrology is a big part of my life. Seriously. . . like, I named my dog Astro. I’ve always had this knack for interpreting my sign’s prophecy (I’m a Virgo) and applying it to my life, but lately nothing seems to fit. Advice? Please hurry, I have a big date coming up and I need to know my sexual orientation.

‘ Beam Me Up Scotty

Dearest Beam,

‘ We’re not sure why you’d want to go up Scotty, but we can help you. We three just recently put astrology behind us for Cosmo quizzes and their bounty o’ boons: personal preference, increased applicability, cute shoes, etc.

‘ ‘ But our experience with past astrological horoscopes may shed some starlight on the art of application. Collectively, the Dear Nancies are an Aquarius, Virgo and Gemini, translating into a short male, a shortish male and a bearded ‘that guy.’ Definitions vary, but these are the foundations. In preparation for your question, we read our horoscopes yesterday:

‘ Aquarius ‘- You’ve reached a breaking point emotionally.

‘ Virgo ‘- Your power is undeniable today.

‘ Gemini ‘- Today is a fresh new start for you.

‘ Then life happened with brazen accuracy. Our Aquarius fetched a stool and proceeded to reach with all his might for the cookie jar atop our kitchen cabinets (being short. . . such an Aquarius move). Virgo, in typical Virgo form, tried to help with his extra inches. Then Gemini burst out of the cabinets as an elaborate practical joke. Virgo fell on top of Aquarius’s arm and broke it. Gemini fell on Virgo, and Virgo threw Gemini onto the couch. Upon further analysis and extensive depth charts, we’ve concluded that The Virgin broke the Water Bearer and launched twins. Avoid this date,Virgo; having a baby changes everything.

‘ ‘ Hopefully,

‘ ‘ The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

‘ ‘ I wish I could enjoy college, but I am never able to get any sleep! I study, I have a social life and I am still able to call 11 p.m. my bedtime, so why can’t anyone else?

‘ ‘ ‘ Sleepless in Sleeper

Dear Sleepless,

‘ ‘ ‘ Class work by day, homework by night and, somewhere in the middle, free Commonwealth Avenue energy drinks, a relaxing coffee and a few shots of Nyquil coalesce to create one sleep-craving college student. Plenty of students are deprived of their prized beauty sleep, tossing and turning and wondering why they spend so much money on a bed that goes virtually unused in a college environment (excluding, of course, those lucky nights when you use your bed for one of those cool forts).

‘ ‘ If you’re like many sleepless beauties out there, chances are you try to go to bed at 11, sporting your neon earplugs and silken mask, but your roommate is busy practicing her Single Ladies dance, so you are forced to migrate to the hallway, where you become the tool of a floor event hall sport, and sick of being burrito-rolled into your blankets, you move to the elevator, whose high traffic and nauseating motion force you to the dining hall, but when Late Nite closes you seek refuge outside, yet, unable to fulfill your REMs while inhaling someone’s midnight cigarette smoke, you attempt to wake up from this whirlwind nightmare until realizing that no, this is not in fact a fantasy land but real life. And then you write to us.

‘ ‘ With the amount of money you spend on living in Sleeper in only seven years of college, you could buy a sizable used car. If you really want some good sleep, we suggest a luxury sedan and a queen-sized comforter. If the street corner gets too noisy, just drive your bed-on-wheels somewhere else. It’s too bad no one has thought of this mobile-dorm sooner.’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘

Illicitly,’ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘

The Nancies