Columns, Opinion

GLANDER, FORSTER AND SAUER: Nancies on the rocks

Dear Nancies,

‘ ‘ ‘ Whenever my friends go clubbing, I’m left out because I’m not 21. Do you support the use of fake IDs? If so, do you know where can I get one?

‘ ‘ ‘ -Enraged and Underage

Dear Enraged,

‘ ‘ ‘ If you don’t have the patience to clone yourself and use your clone’s ID when it turns 21, we can’t offer our sympathies. We’ve seen too many friends in the electric chair to condone committing a felony, even for the sake of dancing with your girls.

‘ ‘ ‘ There are better ways to get into the hottest 21-plus nightclubs-consider the Gopher Method, in which you dig an underground tunnel into your nightclub (like a prairie dog), and then gopher some drinks at the bar. But if, unlike Jay-Z, you don’t want to show up for a night on the town with all that dirt on your shoulders, turn yourself into an object. Not a sexual object – that’s for later in the night. We’re talking about standing very still and pretending to be one of the new decorative lamps the club owner just ordered from Ikea. No one ever thinks to card a lamp. Once you’re inside, feel free to rip off your disguise to reveal a glittery party top which probably looked like a decorative lampshade to begin with.

‘ ‘ ‘ Enraged and Underage, we just had a moment of confusion. For a second, we thought you were the 2002 hit single from 50 Cent, because you’re totally ‘In the Club.’ Just remember: if anyone catches you, you got your advice from BU Today.

‘ ‘ ‘ Impeccably,

‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

‘ ‘ I was at a bar this weekend and some guy I was dancing with asked for my number. I didn’t know what to say because I had a fun time dancing with him, but I didn’t want anything else out of it besides a fun two-step. Maybe hooking up with him as we were dancing sent the wrong message. For the future, how can I let these suitors down gently without being a biznatch?

‘ ‘ ‘ -sexiiDancR

On DancR, on Vixen,

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ Sometimes when you’re at a dealership with some friends, you want to take a car out for a spin, but that doesn’t mean you’re in the market for a steady cruiser. There comes a time in the joyride when you get a feel for the wheel and notice the tires start to bald; you’re bored and ready for a new ride. It’s natural to feel guilty about sending that revving engine back to the lot, pistons pumping and grinding for an oil change, yet your regret needn’t be the norm. Getting hot ‘n’ heavy with his face may have mixed up some output signals, but you don’t seem all that phased by it, and he’s literally making out like a bandit.

‘ ‘ ‘ If there’s anything we’ve learned, it’s that hookin’ up is a gift, and gifting a hook-up.’ Sentiment for possibility gains nothing for either party; drop that kid like an iron anvil on magnets and watch him rise from the ashes as an ill-fated phoenix on the dance floor; half the man, twice as experienced, three times as disillusioned and a total emotional stud. A few more letdowns and he’ll be fronting the next Good Charlotte, and Good Charlotte doesn’t get let down. If he stays down, hand him a pen and paper and let him have at a villanelle or two. Don’t give this potential artist pity, he’ll give it to himself and make you, the naughty dancing demon, his muse. Meanwhile, you just keep two-steppin’.

‘ ‘ ‘ Vigorously,

‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

‘ If ‘going out’ means spending at least $6.99 on a drink, I make sure to get something that I will enjoy. So why do my friends, dates and even bartenders gawk when my order is more intricate than typical ‘manly’ drinks?

‘ ‘ ‘ -Tom Collins

Dear Tom,

‘ ‘ ‘ Next time you’re at a bar, know that each male is concealing a little facet of his personality. The man watching the game who smiles subtly to himself every time that sappy Humane Society commercial plays in between innings. The dude who assumes a confused look when ‘She Wolf’ starts playing in the midst of his jukebox selections. The guy confined to the bathroom stall, forced to release his poetry on its grimy walls because his cocktail napkins are already coated with sonnets about violets in the summertime. Your disadvantage is that it’s hard to go under the radar when all you want is a stiff Appletini.

‘ ‘ ‘ Society has a specific set of rules for how men should act at bars. When ordering chicken wings, he should always choose the spicier option. If his girlfriend gets into a bar fight, it is best to let her scratch out her frustrations and work out her own problems. Asking for an alcoholic beverage should be quick and simple. 35 percent of experienced male bar-goers order some form of whiskey on the rocks, while the rest simply waltz up to the bartender and bark ‘Jaeger!’ It is important not to fall into the trap of the everyman. Choking down a hearty microbrewed beer when you’re out with the guys, then cutting recipes for Brandy Alexanders from vanilla Jell-O boxes in the comfort of your home is not healthy for your personality.

‘ ‘ ‘ Order your next drink with confidence and you may find someone who likes you regardless of what’s in your sugar-rimmed glass. When this inevitably happens, surprise your newfound love on your first date with a Sandy from ‘Grease’-esque wardrobe change, an Audioslave-themed jukebox playlist and a double shot of aged bourbon from a leather glove. Just make sure to turn away if that Humane Society commercial comes on.

‘ ‘ ‘ Repetitively,

‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies

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