Columns, Opinion

FORSTER, GLANDER AND SAUER: The best is Rhett to come

Dear Nancies,

Have you seen the BU athletic situation? We don’t have a football team! Why can’t we have one so this school can get some classic all-American Hooooo-Rah spirit?

No Sweat

Dear Sweat,

We’re going to make a Colin Powell move here and advise you to place blind faith in your administration, because this football sacrifice was made with you in mind. Multiple opportunities are made available simply because we don’t have a football team. For us, the oft-empty stadium is the forerunner. Can you remember a time at Nickerson when you had to climb over and around patrons at the big game? Nor can we, because neither exist; on weekends during the little games, we like to play a massive ‘the floor is lava’ tournament on all the empty seats. It also loosens up a bit of capital for Rhett to attend to other student demands, like the acclaimed addition of Panera and Upper Crust Pizza on the Western Front.

Boston University seems like the perfect place for a competitive football team, and there’s nothing we’d love more than to hear our marching band blast ‘Party in the USA’ and other relevant pop hits while we holler along with our scarlet-clad brethren, but yours is an uphill battle. Already there’s talk in the town of Football’s decline. After we set the precedent, Northeastern University ditched the pigskin, and it’s only a matter of time before Boston College discovers that there is a way to play Quidditch. With the sport fading into its own twilight, we recommend finding your school spirit within the venues Rhett has graciously made available to you. If that means tailgating an Enrique Iglesias concert, so be it. Take solace in the fact that you did worse in junior high.


The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

Leaving for Thanksgiving reminded me of all the things I missed about home. How can I get through these next weeks without In-And-Out Burger, Waffle House, Piggly Wiggly, sweet tea, Palm Trees or Wisconsin cheddar cheese?

Homesick and Tired

Dear Homesick,

Universities nationwide recognize that in the three-week period between Thanksgiving and winter vacation, campuses become a hothouse for homesickness, comparable only to the second month of summer camp. But you must find some way to keep your melancholy at bay before the harsher winter sickness seasons bring more serious illnesses like Cabin Fever, Lovesickness or Stockholm Syndrome.

WebMD ignorantly dismisses homesickness as a trivial state of mind. Student Health Services claims that those with contagious attitudes or physical malaise should stay out and get their free condoms elsewhere. CVS refuses to sell enough Nyquil to let you forget your troubles. So in order for you to recover, you must self-diagnose and determine what exactly it is that you miss about home. Are you counting down the days before you are able to reconvene with your parents over a loaded dinner table? Do you long to spend late nights with your childhood friends, eating popcorn and candy until sunrise? From your question, it appears that as long as food is involved, anything that isn’t from Boston will do.

We can’t help but point out some irregularities and contradictions in your nostalgic list; where is home if it contains both Waffle House and Wisconsin cheddar cheese? We’re beginning to think that you’re just a Bostonian wishing for some alternate life where ‘home’ consists of a smattering of select American chain restaurants outside of a reasonable driving distance from Massachusetts. Homesick and Tired, the grass is always greener on the other side – be happy with what you have here, because side-by-side, UBurger and In-And-Out are more or less the same.


The Nancies

Dear Nancies,

I am so sick of the dining hall here, so I think I’m going to try to make my own food from now on. What’s a good recipe for pumpkin pie?

The Slice is Right

Dear Hot and Bothered,

How wise of you to write us just after Thanksgiving. At this time of year, you’ll have no trouble getting a still technically edible pumpkin at a low price. Here’s a recipe for a very special pumpkin pie that our mom used to make us. We call it The Widowmaker – not because it will make anyone a widow, but because we once rode a roller coaster called The Widowmaker, and like that roller coaster, this pie is great.

The ingredients are: Two adult handfuls of pumpkin guts, two eggs, one can of condensed milk (YooHoo will suffice), pumpkin spice and pie crust (for an Italian twist, use a pizza crust instead).

To make, combine the first four ingredients in a mixing bowl. You will have a disgusting, unholy liquid, which, when mixed with rum, is referred to as ‘Pilgrim Juice.’ Pour this concoction into your pie crust (no pun intended). Heat in an oven at 450 degrees or until delicious.’ Top the pie with orange and brown Lego bricks while it’s still hot for a zany effect. Do not, under any circumstances, leave your pie on a windowsill to cool – in an urban situation like yours, it is likely to fall off, endangering the pedestrians below you.

‘ ‘ ‘ Tantaliciously,

‘ ‘ ‘ The Nancies

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