It may come as a surprise to you, but columns tend to take me a while to write and I actually like to put some thought into them. The question I am asked most by adoring fans &-&- in my own mind &-&- is “How do you come up with ideas?” I really don’t want to totally give away my secret but if you have ever watched “Deal or no Deal” my method is like a much more complicated version of that. Of course, I am always open to ideas and friends and family like to try and offer some. I also receive quite a few emails and comments from strangers giving me suggestions. Of course, usually they are suggesting I should just put my pen down and commit Seppuku because the world would simply be a better place without my “idiotic spewing.” I haven’t quite figured out how to angle a column out of that one, but I am working on it. Unfortunately, I do have to reject quite a few ideas each week and I want to share some of the different column topics that didn’t make it to press.
People tend to have very strong opinions on politics so I am often asked to write about what’s going on with the government. When Sarah Palin came to Boston my (Republican) grandfather told me to write a column about how stupid the former Alaskan governor is and how she is a mark of shame on the country. While I am sure I could write an entire 800-word column on the black hole of intelligence that is Palin, it’s not necessary because that’s what The New York Times is for. I don’t want Times op-ed writer Maureen Dowd to feel like I am treading on her territory, or anything. We actually have an agreement in place: She gets to cover all important domestic and foreign political stuff and I get to cover reality TV and the various ways college students make asses out of themselves. She obviously pulled the short straw.
I have also considered writing about the current “hot button” topics in society but I feel like the stances I take may be too controversial. For example, I do not believe gay marriage should be legal unless one party is a minor or a non-human mammal. Health care should only be given to people with the last names from L to Z and prayer should be allowed in public schools, but under the condition that students are required pray to Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard or Tom Cruise. These are my beliefs, and unfortunately, I think they are little too progressive for most people, so I won’t even bother trying to explain them.
Naturally, Boston is a topic that people often suggest I broach. The Red Sox is the most common subject people, OK, dudes, propose I dedicate a column to. When asked what approach I would take the most common response is “how awesome they are!” First off, I am not a Sox fan. I don’t dislike them but my vision of paradise does not involve the Green Monster. Boston fans, just because I live in Boston does not mean I love your sports teams and would be willing to sacrifice my first child in order to guarantee Tom Brady a healthy season. Also, Sox fan, I know it is still early in the season but “awesome” in not the first &- or second or third &-&- adjective that comes to mind when talking about the team’s performance so far. Needless to say writing a column about the Sox was quickly ruled out.
By the same token, to my New York City &- and by New York City I mean Long Island &-&- friends I am not going to write about the “superiority” of your metropolis, with its world championship-winning sports teams, unbeatable pizza and bagels and underground subway system. Even though I am not originally from the area, I love Boston and feel as though the city has adopted me. You should really never say anything negative about family; regardless of how many times that family has tried to run you over at a crosswalk despite you having the right of way.
I am most often asked to write about Boston University-related subjects. These almost always come in the form of personal complaints which can be placed in a category I have dubbed as “How stupids.” For example, I may be asked to talk about “how stupid my MA 121 class is,” or “how stupid College of General Studies girls who deem spandex as a respectable substitute for pants are.” As much as I would love to air the complaints of my classmates, I also don’t want to alienate my readership. One my column’s largest demographics is actually the coveted 18- to 20-year-old pantsless female (a group whose desired popularity I share with 13- to 103-year-old males as well). You never know who you might offend.
Slightly stronger that the “How Stupids” are the “How Ridiculous-es.” Once my father suggested that I write about “how ridiculous it is that I am paying $50,000 a year yet you don’t have classes on Mondays and Fridays.” The only problem was I felt the title, more or less, gave away the entire story, plus I couldn’t really get behind the sentiment of that one.
A couple of weeks ago was housing selection, which is also the time you find out who your real friends are. Several people mentioned this would be an interesting topic to write about and I am actually very well-qualified in the matter. In my past three years I have completed the BU dorm crawl. I have lived in a quad, a triple, a double and a single. I have lived in the student-cattle packing-house known as Warren Towers, but have also enjoyed luxurious digs in the Cambridge Hyatt, a Bay State Brownstone and both StuVi classic and StuVi II. After writing about the merits and disadvantages of each, I came to the incredibly enlightening conclusion that Warren quads suck and StuVi apartments are awesome. I figured I wasn’t exactly going win a Pulitzer for that revelatory piece of journalism.
One area I try to resist is talking about is myself. While I could easily read an entire biography written about me &- be sure to pick up copy of “A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Life and Times of Stephanie Hagen,” out Fall 2010 &- this is probably not the case for everyone else. Plus, I have a tendency to air out embarrassing facts about myself that I regret saying after publication. For example I had written a rough draft of a column about judging people based on how they chose to describe themselves on their Facebook profile pages. Throughout the article, I revealed a bevy of embarrassing tidbits such as my love for Creed, or the fact I have watched the cinematic masterpiece “Bring It On 3: All Or Nothing” more times that I can count. Even if I whole-heartedly believe Scott Stapp has the gravelly voice of an angel, there are some secrets that are going to the grave with me.
By girlfriends I am frequently told that I should write a “Sex and the City” type column and that I could be the “Carrie Bradshaw of BU.” For the record that’s probably one of the lamest things I have ever heard. The only thing worse would probably being called the “Tucker Max of BU” or just being Tucker Max in general. As flattering as it may be that people think I have an incredibly sexy, romantic life, I doubt my nighttime activities are nearly as exciting as those of the women on the HBO series. Unless of course you find drinking a Yoo-Hoo and catching the last half hour of “Bring it on: All or Nothing” before going to bed at 11 p.m. is particularly titillating to read about. Anyway, my rule of thumb is to never write anything you would be embarrassed for your grandmother (Hi Nana!) or a future employer to read. That’s what Facebook is for.
The second most popular question I imagine people asking me is why I write this column every week. The answer is simple: the FreeP is paying me $500 under the table per week to do it. Seriously though, I see this as the best way for me to reach out to the BU community. Whether you think my articles are funny or that they simply confirm that the newspaper industry is justifiably dying a slow and painful death, I just hope I managed to give you a five-minute distraction from whatever soul-sucking, tedious lecture you are in. If you have gotten this far, I’ll assume that maybe you have checked out a couple of my other columns, so thanks for reading. I really appreciate it. Now, feel free to turn to the crossword puzzle, I know that’s what you really wanted to do this whole time. Have a great summer everyone.
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