HAGEN: The winter survival guide

It’s about this time of year when you start to regret your decision of not going to college in Florida. If there, your days would not consist of constant trudging through snow, ice and cold, but rather trips to the beach with your fellow tanned and glowing classmates. But let’s be honest, you have higher than a third-grade reading level so you chose to go to a school in a less-pleasant climate. Your, at least moderate, intelligence level stuck you in the Northeast so now you must learn how to deal with it.

This “Spring” semester has been particularly brutal. Since we first arrived back to the artic tundra known as Boston, the weather has not given us a break. There are freezing temperatures every day, which is constantly accompanied by chilly rains, sleet and snow. Perhaps this is just God’s dry-run for the 2012 apocalypse but it is already the worst winter I have experienced in my four years at Boston University. Fortunately there are a few tricks which may help make more glorious this winter of discontent.

The best advice is to avoid going outside. Stay inside, toasty and comfortable in your Snuggie. Since you are cooped up in your room this is the ideal time to up your productivity level so I suggest a “Teen Mom” marathon perhaps followed by some “My Strange Addiction” episodes. This also puts your situation in perspective since you may be freezing cold, but at least you are not pregnant or eating couch cushions. If you must go outside, try avoiding the windiest parts of campus which is the short section of Commonwealth Avenue between Kenmore Square and West Campus.

Clothing is of utmost importance as well. Do you think your little pea coat is super cute? Are you a freshman from California? Do you know what cold is? Not the “LA can get down to the 50’s at night” kind of cold, but the “it feels like the wind is constantly slapping you across the face with its icy, unforgiving hand” kind of cold? Wear something big and puffy. The more you resemble an androgynous, unidentifiable lump, the better. No, you won’t look cute, but I doubt that amputation due to hypothermia would look all that becoming either. Make sure your coat has a large and sturdy hood which should be surrounded by a think collar of fur. For PETA’s sake make sure it is fake fur (but seriously, between you and me, white tiger or panda fur is where it’s at. Remember, the more endangered the warmer).

Staying inside is particularly encouraged during Boston’s weekly blizzards. This is when underclassmen who have chosen to live in Warren Towers, or any other dorm with a dining hall in the building, feel pretty clever. No need to brave the body-numbing temperatures or the human-consuming piles of snowdrifts for food. This is also when upperclassman, such as myself, look in the cupboards of our kitchens and realize all we have to devour is leftover alcohol from the weekend. “Maybe I should have been responsible and have gone to Shaw’s to get milk and bread yesterday,” we contemplate. But as the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, use them to chase your tequila shots (because really, who has limes lying around?). This almost always leads to guaranteed hibernation which is my preferred method of dealing with this icy season.

Of course, you can also have fun in the snow. When I was a freshman I went “traying,” also known as the poor man’s sledding. However, this was before BU decided to single-handedly save the Amazon rain forest and the formerly non-eco friendly dining halls actually had trays in them. Perhaps reach back to your childhood and build a snowman or a snow-phallus, which many a clever BU bros have constructed.

Finally, it is extremely important to simply accept that you will face-plant at least once on the icy crosswalk of the BU Bridge. Moreover, accept that it will be a spectacular fall and the embarrassment will only be amplified by both the collective sharp intake of breath and that outgoing “ohhhhh” you hear from your surrounding pedestrians. On the plus side, if you are wearing the aforementioned puffy and fur-collared coat, landing on your face will feel less like ramming your head against cold hard concrete and more like lowering it upon a bed of luxurious and “fake” Iberian lynx fur (wink).

Facing the long winter ahead may seem daunting but do not worry. After all, spring will come. The snow will have melted, the birds will be singing and you will by lying once again upon the BU beach. In fact, if we are lucky, this wonderful season of warmth and sun may come to Boston as early as May.