FONTANA: Dropping eaves like they’re bombs

The George Sherman Union is a magical land, is it not? Filled with wonderful food, friends and fun. After only some three years, I’ve now learned the proper way to execute the perfect GSU Experience (and only at the low, low cost of one Boston University tuition — yours now for only eight small payments of your soul). And yet, even after selling my soul for happiness, there is still one thing that gets in the way of enjoying my sufficiently soggy bread bowl. What is this evil force that scours the eating establishment that I love? The poisoned apple that seeks to ruin this magical land that many call “ga-sue?” Well, simply put, it’s the people, or more specifically, the things that these people seem to say.

And there I am, little old me, spoon in one hand, homework in another, caught right in the midst of this war on words. And before I can even say, “ga-sue,” I’ve been drafted, not into the cannon fodder of shouting infantry, but into the special forces: dropping eaves, like they’re bombs.

Eavesdropping is truly a tale as old as time, an act that was even punishable under Anglo-Saxon Law back in the first century. But instead of looking through your personalized copy of Black’s Law Dictionary for a proper assessment, the book that needs at least two oxen and a cart to carry, just look around your own campus — we’ve got websites such as “Overheard at BU,” the infamous organization of “People Watching Club” and countless of other websites and groups devoted to enjoying other people’s ridiculous antics. We may not have Fred and George Weasleys’ Extendable Ears, but we’ve got our very own late-night infomercials for Silver Sonic XL, the giant, electronic wonderland in your ear, that elegantly blends into you’re your natural colors with its plastic, metallic shades. And while they champion that “you might even hear things that will pleasantly surprise you,” in actuality, you’re more likely to hear the most appalling statements of your life. We’ve grown up in a society that cultivates both a simultaneous celebration of speaking your mind and a complete abhorrence and ridicule for people who act and say things that are strange.

However, I’m not sure what I would do without the random outbursts from the strangers I’ve come to know. I can’t even count how many of the jokes I have with friends are completely based on overhearing the crazy things that other people have said. But do you ever sit and wonder the snippets that people catch of your own conversations?

If you’re like me, then you probably don’t. We’ve adapted to our environment of ever decreasing privacy and evolved into fully formed “Emabarrassaholics” — people who are not only devoid of caring what others hear them say, but who in fact strive to be overheard, trying to become the ones who are worthy of embarrassment, or at least, the ones who should be.

While embarrassment might sometimes be an annoying human emotion, it isn’t always a bad thing. In a lot of ways, it keeps us conscious of the things we do and how they affect other people. And while I’m all for shouting out random words, I’ve found that there are very few things overheard in public that are really worth saying at all. That’s probably because the things that should be important — great discoveries, philosophical debates, heartfelt sentiments — are completely drowned out by one of two different extremes: the extraordinarily pretentious or the even more astonishingly offensive.

But what can we do to stop this conscripted eavesdropping? This unlawful taxation of my mind? Well, my fellow Bostonians, once again it falls in our hands, like our forefathers before us, it’s time we take a page out of the old Anglo-Saxon textbook — brush off the pitchforks and fire up the torches.

I mean, freedom may just be another word for nothing else to loose, but I think most of society would still like to cling on to its final shreds of dignity. Luckily for us, our government has a solution — muzzles. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, colors and material. You can get those cheap disposable ones for short trips out of the house, or those reusable ones too, for those long dinner parties, important discussion classes, leader of the country kind of decisions. Simply go to the nearest doctor near you, hit them over the head with your Silver Sonic XL device and steal their prescription pad. You’ll be the talk of the town of with muzzles for sale! And once you’ve done that, try one on yourself.

Once that’s done, why don’t you give me  a call. If all I hear is silence, I’ll know that my work here is finally done.

David Fontana is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences and a Fall 2012 columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at fontad5@bu.edu.