FONTANA: The world may never know

There’s an important part of our lives that I think we have all forgotten about. I’m talking about our manifest destiny, our purpose in life. A single question that has driven our generation since before we knew how to drive. That subconscious goal in the back of everyone’s mind. An interrogative statement so nefarious, so convoluted that it has baffled the world since before the craze of lawn flamingos and foam parties. A simple question asked by one young, but brave American: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center of a Tootsie pop?

You remember the commercials, don’t you — they were quick, vignettes really, stuck in between our favorite episodes of “Care Bears” and “Animorphs,” charming the subconscious minds of children in every home. They captured what it meant to be a young person growing up in a world where men would soon walk on the moon and U.S. presidents could be something other than old, white men. A timeless tale really, of a young naked boy, discussing the existential meanings of life with personified animals, and a journey, a quest for a simple answer really. An answer that would shape the way we look at lollipops, and dare I say it, candy, across the globe.

Some may argue that humans are the animals that make war, but truly, we are the animals that lick lollipops.

However, this endeavor is not for the faint of heart. The Tootsie Roll industry reminds us that “Many have attempted and failed to lick their way to the center of the Tootsie pop. The temptation to bite and reach the embedded Tootsie Roll prize has proven to great … just like it was for Mr. Owl.” But, for the truly worthy, those with the discipline of King Arthur’s knights, patient enough to make the exploration all the way through the luxurious sugary armor into the deep rich center of these candy-fide earths, the Tootsie franchise has a special gift for them of the highest regard — they get an award!

This honorary “Clean Stick Award” is offered to these noble humans in the form of a plaque, very officially printed out of your own home computer. It reads “AWARD — Be it known to all people — the world may never know how many licks it takes to reach the center of a Tootsie pop … but a few strong willed young men and women know. The bearer of this Award is one who knows.” Pure genius — and eloquent, too.

Just think of all the things lollipops have inspired. Everything from that 1958 classic number-two hit by the Chordettes all the way from Sheboygan, Wis., to our very own version by Lil Wayne. One Dr. Elliott Reed, of “Scrubs,” said it’s been clinically proven that nobody can hear the song without chiming in. The Lollipop Guild sure knows what she’s talking about.

The Tootsie company offers the results of in-depth studies done by renowned groups such as Purdue University, University of Michigan and also some junior high school students from Swarthmore Junior High. The students at Purdue even invented a licking machine designed with practicality in mind — finding the perfect seal for an envelope, giving the expertly moistened wet willy and solving the world’s greatest mystery. On average, the college students discovered that it takes 364 licks to rich the chocolaty center. That’s one lick a day for just about a year. However, the junior high students found the results to be inconclusive, wrong and for stupid heads.

Yet, the confectionary world’s most puzzling secret was revealed all those years ago, back in 1970, when American citizens were learning to hide under desks to defend against a nuclear bomb. The little boy, drawn with the precision of a highly trained 48-year-old, turned his ear to one wise owl who spoke a simple statement of fact — “a one, a t-hoo-woo, a three, ‘CRUNCH.’”

The wisdom of the advertisement, its ingenuity, is embedded deep within the thought provoking words of the owl. It’s the solution to every life problem — the rule of “Three ‘Crunch,’” when you have an obstacle in your way, you slowly ware it down until it’s weak enough, and then you pounce. You bite off its head and move straight for the gooey core of success. There’s nothing I like more than a smart owl.

While the number of licks it takes an individual to get to the center of a Tootsie pop may rely on a variety of factors from the size of your mouth to the amount of saliva used, the rule of “Three ‘Crunch,’” will forever go down in history as the greatest of all things ever said, period.

But where have the little naked boy and his merry band of animals gone now? Well that, the world may never know.

David Fontana is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences and a Fall 2012 columnist for The Daily Free Press. He can be reached at fontad5@bu.edu.