Let me share with you an inconvenient truth about the act of studying abroad: you are still the same flawed person, even in another country. Wrapped up in this is another truth, albeit one more universally applicable: expectations can often be an enemy, not a friend.
This may be seventh-grade-level wisdom, but regardless, it has been an acute experience lately.
Unfortunately, I’m finding, coming to Paris did not immediately transform me into “the person I want to be” by some process of alchemy. Apparent as that might seem to any rational observer, I had deluded myself with romanticized visions.
In Paris, I’ll be “spontaneous” and “adventurous!” I’ll crack open the bones of this fleeting life and suck dry every last bit of marrow!
That dream is not entirely the case. There are days when I don’t get out of bed until 13:00 (that’s 1 p.m. for you American plebeians). I still retreat into bed on particularly frustrating days and binge-watch Netflix, perhaps ashamed that I failed so badly at French that a Parisian interlocutor snapped into English sans patience.
But PARIS! The Paris of Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce and Pablo Picasso!
But it is also the Paris of gentrification and outrageous prices and pickpocketing.
This is not to say that there is anything inherently wrong with Paris, or that it has no value on the human spirit. The problem was the attitude with which I approached the city: as the capital-P Place above all places, the Place that would cement my joie de vivre, the place in which the words — or paintings or photographs or inventions or whatever that tangled mess of energy in my head actually is — would suddenly come easily.
That was a childish error, and I’m sorry to have made it. I am indeed happy with my decision to come here — the challenge has been refreshing and stimulating, and I enjoy the feeling of experiencing a new culture — but a place cannot transmute any being into a perfect version.
“The Sun Also Rises” in Paris, but he also wrote parts of “A Farewell to Arms” in less-romanticized small-town
Over-idealizing is dangerous in many forms, but on a personal level, I have found it most often leads to disappointment and frustration. Rather than enjoy Paris for what it is, I’ve spent the past two weeks in a negative cycle of self-loathing for all the inner problems that follow like shadows wherever one may go.
Escaping those characteristics that I do not like about myself is not as simple as running from the scenes of their crimes.
The line between fatalistic resignation and pragmatic acceptance can be blurry (depending on perspective), but I still believe one can will oneself to change with significant effort over a period of time. This process, though, must be purely individualistic, and any such persistence requires at least a sliver of hope.
I want to be a writer, and I think I see more clearly now that no specific setting will catalyze that: if I can do it, I can do it anywhere. All I need is a combination of talent, effort and luck, not a brownstone overlooking the Seine River or a 20th-century typewriter on a writing desk in Cuba or a café table concurrently occupied by a mysterious-yet-successful street artist.
So, let me do my best to avoid hypocrisy. I’ve preached the importance of effort and a positive perspective, though not an idealized one, so now let me reassess my time here through that lens.
Paris is not perfect. The workload is significant, and it is mentally and emotionally draining to fail so frequently and with such great magnitude. Sometimes, I’m able to spin misunderstanding French into a funny misadventure, but stretched out over an entire semester, daily shortcomings become demoralizing.
And yet I willingly accept that challenge every day — even if I occasionally need four or five episodes of “Futurama” to recharge my spirit. For that, I’m genuinely proud.
So if you are lucky enough to have the chance to explore a new place, take it. Just don’t expect it to make you “cultured” or “interesting” or “perfect.” If you’re looking to change your personality, well, that has to come from within
