WILSHERE: On being toxic

The number of times my friends had to tell me he was bad for me was unparalleled — far beyond anything they’d said before. Between all the late night talks we had, his was the name that came up the most, always followed by the sentiment of “he sucks. lol.” Although their messages never changed, mine always did.

Between my pre-law antics and my litigious inclination, I found myself justifying why we were still a “we.” I kept coming back to why he was the one. No matter how many times my friends tried to tell me how bad he was for me, I kept coming back. The thrill of the chase was too exciting to quit. During a time when many things in my life stabilized, I was looking for the instability that he provided. I wasn’t aware that it came at such a cost to my well-being.

I remember the night this summer I stayed up until the morning fighting with him. We went back and forth about how we made each other feel and how he had been treating me. The morning afterwards was telling — I woke up feeling like a weight had finally lifted from my chest. No more did I have to worry about everything I said to him and which version of him I would be getting in return. When we were together, I was trying to find stability in instability. I rationalized every unanswered text with “oh but he’s not a texter” and every canceled plan with “well he’s busy.” Towards the end of it, I got tired of trying to justify why he had made it his mission to be so terrible to me.

I knew for a long time that I had just loved the feeling of the chase. I loved the highs and the lows of how much I loved to hate him.  He kept me guessing, but his unpredictability took a toll on my psyche. Every moment I was waiting for him to run away again, only to return at inopportune times — like the middle of the night when I had finally moved on.

I don’t miss him — more importantly, I don’t miss how crazy he made me feel. Being out of it, I realize how toxic it was to be in it. It became too dangerous to hold on to, but there was always something that stopped me from letting go.

Don’t go chasing thunder when you’re looking for lightning. Be wary of the intense highs and the scathing lows. The rush of emotions can be exciting and enticing, but that paired with his moodiness and his coldness took a toll on me. When we were apart, I felt so starved for attention that when I finally heard from him, it was overwhelming. Interacting with him in a 24-hour period could make me furious, ecstatic, anxious, erratic and elated. All of these emotions began to hurt — I would sometimes stay up late at night worried about trying to talk to him and anticipating which version of him I’d get.

Relationships should help both people be better versions of themselves. The longer I was with him, the more I realized that we were harmful to each other. He wasn’t a bad person, he was just bad for me. Good people can be bad for you. Nice people can be mean to you. The way he treated me wasn’t a reflection on the type of person he is, per se.

I know how hard it can be to recognize unhealthy relationships when you’re in them. Platonic, familial and romantic relationships all have the possibility of being toxic. Sometimes it’s hard to see a way out when you’re in them, especially if they are familial. I do not have experience with toxic familial relationships, and therefore can’t offer my insights. I do know what it’s like to have toxic friendships and relationships and how emotionally draining they can be.

Sometimes, it’s much easier to try to rationalize the relationships you’re in than walk away from them. Sometimes it’s easier to normalize toxic behaviors than to find a way out of the relationships. Toxic relationships can escalate to something more malicious. Clarity surrounding a relationship only comes from when you’re out of it, or so far removed from it that you can no longer justify the behavior. It is important to recognize when someone is toxic to your psyche and do something about it, no matter how long that takes and no matter how hard it is.