You know that one kid on Halloween who dumps the entire bowl of candy into her pillowcase, kicking aside the “take one” sign the neighbors left out on their front porch? That kid is the worst. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’ve all done it, but still. Then there’s the person who cuts in front of you in line and buys the last cookie you’ve been thinking about since breakfast. The candy-hoarders, the line-cutters, the last-cookie-eaters of the world, they drive us crazy. The point? Selfishness is bad. I think we can agree on that much. Or, at the very least, we can all agree that it’s annoying when someone else’s selfishness infringes on our own operations.
So, if selfishness is bad, that must mean selflessness is good. We appreciate the people who hold the door open for us and honor the ones who dedicate their lives to service for others. Selfless people serve as the cure to our dwindling faith in humanity. Selflessness is good, great, amazing. Again, not exactly a Nobel Prize-winning realization.
But there is a difference between selflessness and submission. A difference between doing what is right and doing what you feel forced to do. Sometimes, we feel a need to say “yes” to people all the time. Yes, I’ll drive you to the airport. Yes, I’ll fill in for you today. Yes, we can do what you want to do even though I kind of really don’t want to. OK. Let’s do it.
It can be difficult to take time for yourself. We worry that others won’t like us as much if we don’t do what they’re asking — worry that our careers will suffer, our grades will suffer or that we’ll be left behind next time. We often get so caught up in the needs and wants of those around us that we forget to take some much-needed relaxation. What happens next is draining and overwhelming. We might feel unnecessarily stressed, or perhaps experience a loss of confidence or power. This reinforces some idea that we owe ourselves to others.
There has to be a middle ground between selfishness and selflessness — a point where you do something for yourself, not because it negatively affects someone else, but because it positively affects you. You don’t have to do things for others when it requires a personal or emotional toll. That doesn’t mean you’re being rude, mean or selfish, it just means you’re taking some time for your own well-being.
“I’m so sorry, I can’t drive you to the airport because I have a huge midterm to study for.” “I can’t fill in for you because I’m sick.” “I’m not feeling up to going out tonight.”
That’s OK. You’re allowed to do that. In fact, you should. You’re not going to ruin someone else’s night. You’re not infringing on their actions or taking a part of them for yourself. You’re just trying to understand your own needs and grant yourself the ability to take a step back. You’re allowing yourself to complete your own actions and to make choices for yourself.
With that being said, sometimes you need to stay up later than you wanted to because your best friend is upset and needs to talk it through. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for others, whether big or small, because you care. Because you’ve been in their shoes and understand where they’re coming from. Or simply to be kind for kindness’ sake. It’s about balance and compromise — positive human interaction — working together and creating mutual benefit. We can’t do everything we want to do all the time. But we also can’t do everything someone else wants to do all the time.
So stop cutting in line. Ask people how they’re feeling. Hold the door open for people. It’s not so hard. But seriously, give yourself a break from constantly feeling obligated to those around you. You need to take time for yourself, too. Just be honest, just be real and sometimes — a mere sometimes — dump that entire bowl of candy into your pillowcase and eat all the Milky Ways you can handle while watching an entire season of your favorite show. No shame in that.
No shame at all.
