I have never bought a pair of UGG boots with my own money in my entire life, and I do not plan on doing so anytime soon.
Diabolically hideous and horribly suited for any real winter weather, I stand by my unwavering hatred towards the sheepskin boots.
The California brand UGG is famous for its Classic Boot, commonly referred to as “uggs,” which are boots inspired by an Australian and New Zealand boot style. The company was founded in 1978 by Australian surfer Brian Smith in Southern California.
That’s where the first problem lies.
Who would think to wear furry boots in Southern California?
To be fair, the founder is Australian and could’ve been influenced by the original sheepskin boot of his country. However, the boot is nothing but an incongruous fashion accessory on the west coast of the United States, which leads to a bigger problem — the furry boots don’t even work well in actual cold weather.
When I was gifted my first — and only — pair of grey Classic UGG boots, I was in awe, justifiably.
I was a middle school student who never really owned any expensive brands. My clothes were from discount stores, my jackets were hand-me-downs and my shoes were definitely never from the mall.
However, looking back on it, I would have traded those boots for a bag of Takis.
Winter in Tennessee might not seem like a blizzard, but it felt like an expansive glacier with my UGG boots.
The moisture from black ice, sleet-slick sidewalks and the occasional snow piles soaked through my UGG boots on school days where I’d be waiting to be picked up by my mom.
My socks never held in warmth and my feet were always freezing. The fur in the inside would eventually compress after continual wear, and the boots weren’t even that cute once you saw the snow-sweat stains on the sheepskin leather.
Even worse, the flat sole and chunky design of the Classic Boot made the wearing experience extremely uncomfortable. Walking feels more like dragging my feet, and I was prone to shuffling and sliding more with the oversized boots. I looked like a penguin who never learned how to waddle.
This leads us to the third conundrum: do people really think these boots are cute?
Uggs remind me of foam earplugs but for your feet and with little functionality. It’s ugly in a not-so-endearing way, like fat mittens for your feet.
The outfits I’ve seen paired with UGG boots are an abomination in the name of fashion. It’s always the black leggings inside the UGG boots with the bows in the back or the Tumblr-era aesthetic with the skirt and the hideous Uggs.
My brain cannot comprehend how people would just slap a pair of these boots on every outfit and be glorified as the icons of middle school modern fashion. I think it had to be some cult directive.
This leads me to my final criticism of UGG boots.
No matter how adorable someone thinks these boots are, the price tag is undeniably unjustifiable.
In middle and high school, having a pair of Uggs was more of a statement and a symbol of status rather than an actual affinity for the shoe. Coupled with an Aéropostale polo t-shirt and the newest iPhone 5C, some girls would be parading down the hallways so self-assured.
I can admit: Back then, I was a little jealous. Now, I realize I dodged a bullet.
UGG boots typically vary from $120 to $300 in adult sizes. For a shoe that can cost as much as a Nintendo Switch, I would expect it to be the only pair I’d need for the rest of my life.
And honestly, the UGG boots never achieved that goal for me. Based on practicality, aesthetics and price, the UGG brand would be at the bottom of shoes I would be enthusiastic about purchasing.
Really, just look at them. That should be off-putting enough.