Ask Abby: Don’t slack when it comes to romance — use Slack

We’ve all been there before: you have a work crush and don’t know how to approach it. Well, I’m here to tell you just how to do that. 

The best way to approach an office crush is through Slack, the popular messaging software commonly used in professional workspaces. 

For those of you who don’t use Slack in your current occupation, I highly recommend creating one. You can propose it at the next company meeting or create an office channel. It’s very easy to add people to a channel.

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Doing this will also help you score points with the boss. This is especially helpful if the boss is the office crush. What boss can resist an employee who isn’t afraid to go out there and do what needs to be done?

Those who are 21, or at least those with the identification that says so, should always make sure to have a sip or 20 of your favorite libation before typing. It’s okay to ponder the content of the message with sound mind, body and soul, but you don’t want that sober voice to come through. 

I prefer to start thinking about the message at work on Monday morning. Then, when you are absolutely obliterated on Friday — or Monday night if you have a particularly stressful job — you can let your inner drunk poet send a modern love note. 

The key to flirting on Slack is being sloshed. Being just tipsy or “a good amount of drunk” will let your inner critic stop you from launching the first step in your only shot at true love. You want to drown that voice with as much special juice as you can. 

They call it liquid courage for a reason. 

When it comes to the actual message, simply allow your fingers to do the typing. Scientists have recently discovered that alcohol activates the tiny brain inside your fingers, giving them a personality of their own. 

If you’re struggling to come up with that perfect message, I suggest taking an improv class or listening to classical music. Apparently both are proven methods that unlock your inner creative.

While you’re looking for some improv classes near you, here are a few suggestions of messages that always seem to spark an office romance. You can say “hey” and lock your phone. Just toss it across the room.

Another option is to open with the person’s name. After the person’s name, you’ll just want to hit send — that little green button with an arrow on it at the bottom of the screen. People love to hear and read their names. If you send this text, you better be serious about the person because something is bound to happen. 

If you want to get a little risque, the perfect message to send is a combination of the first two suggestions: “hey [first name].” This message is tantamount to sending a “u up?” or “wyd” in the wee hours of the morning. 

The last suggestion is also endorsed by the Environmental Protection Agency for its help in reducing carbon dioxide emissions. Carpooling is a great way to help the environment, and if you send that Slack message, you will definitely be carpooling to the office in the morning. 

When — not if — you get a response, Slack is perfect for responding. iMessage only has a limited amount of tapbacks you can use. Androids, well if you use an Android you probably aren’t getting any. Slack, however, is the ideal messaging platform for playful responses. 

To the right side of a Slack message, there is a little smiley face icon with a plus on it. This action opens up a whole new world of frisky emoji responses to propel the relationship to the next level. 

My favorite emoji to respond with is the kangaroo. Using the kangaroo signifies that you’re ready to leap into action. As the relationship progresses, the kangaroo can take on a more erotic meaning, such as “I wanna live in your pouch” or “I wanna jump your bones.”

There have been countless movies and television shows that portray office romance. Yet, none of them accurately convey the best method to initiate a romance with that special someone. 

If you follow the advice above, you’ll be the Jim and Pam of your workplace before you know it. 

As for those who work remotely and have fallen in love with a profile picture, I recommend listening to “Kiss Me Thru the Phone” by Soulja Boy. Boy has famously told the media that his office romance is what inspired the song. He’ll give you all the tips you need to embark on a quest for love.

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