Dear Abby: I really like my coworker. They are great and we seem to have a great time together but now I need to either get their snap or ask them to hang out. How do I do that when there’s a bunch of other people around and what should I say? What should I do?
That’s an interesting predicament. Navigating the feelings that come with a regular crush itself presents its own special set of challenges, but I would argue that one from the workplace is even more of an internal struggle. It has a lot to do with the environment and the setting which you guys interact in.
Jim and Pam from NBC’s “The Office” makes it look easy. Finding the right time and space to make your move is quintessential, yet seemingly impossible. What if you ask them out and they say “no”? Surely things are bound to be awkward after that.
But, if I have learned anything in my never ending quest to understand love, it’s that you’ll miss out on every experience you don’t try out — so, here’s my advice:
Small Talk
If you’re not at least talking with your coworker, what are you doing? And no, I don’t consider discussing “work matters” to be talking, I mean about common interests. Face-to-face small talk is the key to getting to know people organically and potentially finding a love interest outside of a dating app.
You never want to be so direct that you ask a person out without even getting to know them — that’s a little shallow. I would instead recommend you start gravitating your conversation about things they like or stuff you both have in common.
Chemistry is everything, so if you have these more casual personal conversations ahead of time, you can usually gauge how the potential first date may go. These kinds of talks can also provide you with some really great insights on what their interests are so that you can start up future convos or offer an outside of work hangout.
Choose your words CAREFULLY
I feel like there is this big misconception that if you want to ask someone out it has to be a date. Now you could just be straightforward and label this function as a date, but I personally don’t think there’s an issue with testing the waters before you commit to something as serious — but it’s all in how you ask.
Asking someone to grab coffee or get lunch is more collegial. It’s very casual, as it is an outing that can be interpreted in many ways and an outing that is not overly intimate.
Conversely, asking someone to get dinner, go on a picnic or head back to their house is a bit more formal and intimate — they really scream “date” or “I like you as more than a friend and want to get close with you.”
Remember your words have an impact! Be intentional with how you use them.
Don’t use Snapchat
Oh. My. God. There is nothing more annoying than asking, “Can I have your Snap?” in 2023. It’s okay to follow each other on Instagram, or add each other on the app later, but that should not be your primary form of communication. I feel that is incredibly immature and makes the whole relationship seem childish.
If you ask them to hangout and they agree, simply ask for their phone number. Not only does this send the message that you’re actually invested in spending time with them, but also makes things feel more serious.
Compliment, compliment, compliment
Now what you’re probably most interested in hearing is how you even get your crush to put you on their radar in the first place.
My biggest tip is this: send a compliment their way (appropriate ones only of course, nothing creepy)
It sounds sad, but most people rarely get complimented. This opens up a beautiful window of opportunity for you to make your mark.
You can start by complimenting them on something small: their shoe choice, their hair, an accessory they’re adorning. If you want to be really bold, you can go for complimenting something like their eyes or smile.
It can come up super casually, and doesn’t need to be some big gesture — I can almost guarantee you that they’ll think about it for the rest of the week (and hazah! You’ll be on their mind too)
I would even challenge you to dive below the surface level and flatter them on something like their personality, the way they talk or their kindness. Nothing hits home like a really meaningful compliment.
Take them at their word
There is no harm in asking someone out to hangout or get dinner — even if it may seem like the scariest thing ever. The only thing that would make the situation unbearably awkward is if you can’t take “no” for an answer.
If your crush keeps finding excuses as to why they can’t hang out, or continually dodges your advances to do something outside the workplace — just STOP. It’s clear they don’t feel the same way that you do, and while that may be sad or hard to accept, it’s better to keep the awkwardness to a minimum. Not only that, but you don’t want to make them afraid to work with you!
Conclusion
When it comes to pursuing a workplace romance it can sometimes seem like there are more odds working against you than for you.
The picture perfect image would be you and your co-worker sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N…. Well, I’ll let you finish the rest.
Just remember don’t reject yourself before you let someone else reject you! Best case is that it goes really well and something becomes of this romance, worst is that they say “no” and you get a little embarrassed.
No matter what, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and there is plenty of time to find the one who is perfect for you.
Do you or someone you know need dating advice? Ask Abby!
