Dear Abby: My boyfriend is super popular with the ladies and it’s upsetting me. He’s a really nice guy, but I feel like girls are drooling all over him. His ex is also still on campus too and I feel weird knowing they still interact. I know I’m probably being dramatic, but how can I possibly compete? And am I being too possessive by getting jealous?
Have you ever heard the saying that jealousy is a green-eyed monster? Well, newsflash, it’s also a two-faced paradox. One of the undeniable truths about relationships is that there are different standards to how we perceive jealousy.
I find that when a girl is jealous, she gets the “crazy b*tch” label. She’s obsessive, reading into things that aren’t there, too controlling.
When a man is jealous, it’s, well, quite the opposite. He’s protective, in love and knows what’s “his.” Cue the swooning.
Relationships aren’t a competition, but we have all probably felt like we were in the running to compete for our partner’s attention at some point. What are we competing against, and are we wrong for feeling so?
The more I think about envy, I can’t help but wonder: Is it natural to assume all jealousy is rooted in insecurity? Or is it naturally sprinkled in every relationship?
This feeling is hard-wired inside all of us. It comes from the fear of losing people that are important to us. But, it’s actually a necessary emotion that motivates us to preserve social bonds. Just remember, all good things come in moderation, and even healthy jealousy can become toxic if not checked.
I don’t think we should justify our feelings in order to validate when it is or isn’t appropriate to feel jealous. Understanding the different types of jealousy in relationships can help us in the long-run.
You shouldn’t be competing for love
Jealousy is not a feeling that will disintegrate with wishful thinking. I think a little bit of jealousy can be healthy for a relationship.
When we feel that attention and love from our partner is “threatened,” our heart goes into survival mode. It is this driving force that motivates us to preserve our relationships.
I put “threatened” in quotations here because I think that’s a really strong verb. They say all is fair in love and war, but when you’re in a serious relationship, there should be no fear of casualties.
Your partner is dating you because they love you! Not their ex and not some person they used to talk to. Just you.
That’s easier said than felt, but rest assured, you’re not on The Bachelor or Bachelorette. There’s no real competition here.
That certainly doesn’t diminish the twinges of jealousy we get when our partners talk about other people. However, keep in mind where those feelings stem from. Is it because your partner has given you a reason to question your trust?
If earning their attention or adoration seems like a rat race, I don’t think it will go the distance. Don’t let someone put your heart on a podium when your love is priceless.
Comparison is a killer
If you’re lucky enough to be someone’s first serious partner, congratulations. You’ll never have to experience the pain of knowing you will never be their “first love.” If you’re dating someone with an ex, however, you can probably attest to having felt like you’re under the microscope.
I’d like to think that we have all done our research on our partner’s ex at some point. With so many digital platforms, anyone can be an FBI agent in this day and age. But seriously, you have to admit that you have probably stalked their Instagram or VSCO at least once.
Heavy is the head that risks wearing the “rebound” label. No one wants to be seen as anyone’s “sloppy seconds,” and they certainly don’t want to be considered a downgrade.
You may not be able to stop these feelings, but you shouldn’t let them eat away at you. When jealousy becomes obsessive, it can be toxic and can impact the longevity of the relationship.
Having a partner is something that should bring you peace and comfort.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and deep-rooted insecurity can’t be cured in a night. Be straightforward with your partner. Perhaps they can offer you some reassurance you didn’t know you were looking for.
It’s not “protective,” it’s controlling
There’s a plethora of jokes sprinkled throughout the internet that boyfriends won’t let their girlfriends out of the house wearing certain things and vice versa.
Joking or not, telling your partner what to cover up and how to dress to avoid “attention” is jealousy, even if it isn’t as apparent. We tend to shrug these instances off as being “protective,” when really, it’s suffocating.
I recommend you make sure you are the one who enjoys your partner’s qualities more than anybody else, especially if your envy is a result of something wonderful in them. Tell your partner you think they look especially lovely, and remain secure in the fact that the same thought from anyone else won’t sway them their way.
Avoid crossing the line
There’s some truth to that whole green-eyed monster thing. I think a little dash of jealousy is something that can enhance a relationship. I think it goes to show that we have high expectations for how we expect to be treated.
But, it should not morph into a form of control. You shouldn’t feel the urge to search your partner’s phone, read their messages or press them for an alibi.
You also shouldn’t limit their ability to be social and have fun with other people, and you certainly shouldn’t be incessantly accusatory or insulting towards them.
In the wise words of Leslie Gore, “you don’t own me!”
Don;t tell me what to do, don’t tell me what to say and certainly don’t put me on display.
My point
One of my favorite love analogies has to do with a flower. They say if you see a pretty flower, don’t pick it. In that case, it will die, and then cease to be what you love.
In the end, love is not about possession, it is about appreciation.
It’s perfectly okay to feel jealous now and again. You just can’t let it consume your relationship whole. We shouldn’t try to own our partner’s attention and love. We should cherish it.
