Dear Abby: I’m a freshman and I want to hear your thoughts about sex. I feel like I’ve heard so much gossip and judgment around the act; and I don’t know what to believe. Is there a right time to do it? Is there a limit to the number of sexual partners I should have? I’m very lost.
Let’s talk about sex! And no, not like the song.
What? You never thought Ask Abby was going to write an article about sex? Come on, I know my audience.
In all seriousness, despite how “grown-up” we’re supposed to be, one topic that remains taboo is sex. I don’t mean the physical act itself, but rather the implications and stereotypes in and around it.
One thing about college is that there are a lot of opinions on intimacy. Time, place, relationship status and numbers are all factors people consider before making the big move.
But the more I think about how to tackle this multifaceted question, I can’t help but wonder: Has the flow of opinions around sex made it more shameful? Are we deliberately creating a stigma that keeps us quiet about safe practices?
Now just stick with me — I’m not about to give you the whole birds and the bees talk. I am, however, going to be transparent to make things more clear.
Your value is not a number
One of the most painful double standards has to do with body count, which is essentially a mental number of all the partners one has had intercourse with.
I mean, I can list on two hands all the sexually offensive terms used to describe women, and it seems like a new term is created every year. I mean, have you heard the term “bop” lately?
But the question remains: Why are guys high-fived for having lots of sex, while women are judged for it?
I would say it has to do with the misogyny that is ingrained in society. Generally speaking, our culture assigns labels to everything and everyone. It seems that we are constantly categorized and judged, so it’s no surprise that a “body count” is used to assess someone’s sexual background.
Let me be clear: True character and value are not defined by our “body count.” It’s merely a statistic that fails to capture the intricacy of our connections, the breadth of our experiences or the depth of our feelings.
I think college is the time to experiment in terms of figuring out what you like and don’t like. As long as you’re regularly tested and using other safe sex practices, your number doesn’t matter.
No means no, but also…
I’m pretty sure everyone has a good grasp on the concept of consent. We take prevention courses, learn it in the classroom and have a general sense of empathy and understanding for one another.
Still, I think what trips people up are the subtle ways your partner may indicate they don’t want to have intercourse. You’re right to say that yes means yes and no means no, but did you also know a lot of other things mean “no”?
For starters, it’s not proper consent if you have to keep asking the person or essentially beg them.
If they turn away, if they push you away or display any other body language that might indicate they’re not feeling it, then that’s also a no.
Same goes for physical touch. You shouldn’t decide to put your hands anywhere near someone unless they have explicitly stated that they are okay with it, no matter where you are or what they’re wearing.
This applies to people in relationships too. Just because you’re dating someone doesn’t mean you have any right to their body. You still need to ask, always.
The “right” time
Okay, Ask Abby has a computer in front of her, not a crystal ball. I can’t tell you the exact right time to try something for the first time.
I think answers will vary. Some people say it’s better to get it over with, some will advise to find that special someone and a few might even tell you to wait until marriage.
I think the most important takeaway is that it is your decision. If you’re feeling safe with the person and you’re clearly consenting — go for it.
Sex without commitment is popular, especially amongst the college crowd. There’s nothing wrong with this, although I will advise if you’re someone who gets easily attached. For the sake of your emotional health, you should wait until you find someone you care about to do it with.
If you’re looking for casual, then that is fine too! Just make sure you and the other person are on the same page.
There’s no real moral weight attached to having intercourse. Your decision to partake or abstain does not make you a better or worse person. Stigmatizing the act only creates more barriers to safe-sex, no matter your religion or personal beliefs.
Sex can be powerful
I dislike that sex is just always used to make “that’s what she said” jokes. From my standpoint, it’s something that should be talked about.
College is a huge part of the formative years. As freshmen, we’re thrust into our first year of real adulthood and independence. We live on our own, away from our parents, but also with a lot of other people who happen to be in very close proximity — if you know what I mean.
Some people enter university having already experienced their first time, while it’s completely new for others. Either way, there’s not always an escape from temptation and experimentation — and that’s perfectly okay.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it’s no match for college students looking for a good time. As long as you’re going about things safely, sex can be enjoyable.
The best part about new experiences is that we get to learn something new about ourselves along the way. The more conversations we have about it means there’s less stigma and shame to go around.
So let me just be the one to say: There is nothing wrong with getting a little action while in college.
