Dear Abby: I’ve been having some issues with my boyfriend lately, but I don’t know if I should bring them up. Every time I tell him about something he does that bothers me, he shuts down and gets upset. But now, I feel like I’m shutting down because I don’t know how to not resent him for the stuff he’s doing. What should I do?
How interesting.
Your question got me thinking about the emotional state in relationships. Recently I’ve heard a lot of friends complain their boyfriends “shut down” when they bring up something that bothers them, or conversely, they shut down when their boyfriend does the aforementioned thing — tears can be a double-edged sword, I know.
Now you don’t have to be the person who melts into a puddle when you’re upset to prove that you experience emotions — every single one of us has rough days and gets upset.
We’d be lying if we didn’t say this is sometimes brought on by our partners. No one likes to admit it, but we all make mistakes — as nice as it is to think you’re the perfect saint in your relationship, you’re probably not.
But no one is expecting you to have a halo resting on your head 24/7. However, what you are expected to do is learn how to properly handle these couple quarrels or disagreements.
The more I thought about what it means to view a relationship holistically, I couldn’t help but wonder: are emotional shut-downs ruining romance?
The art of shutting down
You’re probably wondering how an emotional blockade can be compared to an art form.
It’s a complex topic that is often underscored when looking at sore spots in relationships.
“Shutting down” looks differently on everybody, but it typically involves some emotional distancing from one partner to the other.
This can happen for a lot of different reasons, and it has a lot of different payoffs and detriments. Like I said, in a way, it’s a survival instinct for us to want to revert into ourselves and just stop being perceived — but when it comes to relationships, how you handle this urge can be make or break.
Shutting down because you don’t want to speak up
This is the part of “shutting down” I find most common. A lot of times our partners do things that just “irk” us. They forget important dates, they show a lack of consideration or they say mean things. It happens, but it’s something worth bringing up.
If you’re super non-confrontational, you might feel like you’re “overreacting” or making a big deal out of nothing, so you don’t bring up the issue. You might think you’re all set — until you realize the impact of what has happened is still lingering within you.
Sometimes, we just can’t get over certain actions, words or mistakes right away. But when we shut down out of fear of speaking up, all we’re doing is letting the resentment marinate.
You might be nervous to bring something up out of fear of how your partner may react, and that’s valid. But let me also ask you this: do you want to end up resenting them down the line for not bringing up something that really bothered you?
No one is saying that you should kick your boyfriend to the curb because he broke a promise he made — but you might just do it down the line because you’ve let the resentment build.
I like to think about breakups as snowballs. Rarely do they come out of nowhere, these feelings of disenchantment start long before the last straw. They just get larger and larger and larger until you suddenly want to take that ball of snow and throw it right in their face!
Okay maybe that’s a little harsh, but you get the point.
Shutting down when you’re called out
On that same note, there’s another kind of “shutting down” that comes from the opposing angle of things.
Even when we do find the courage to talk to our partners about something that bothers us, there’s the risk that they might shut down instead.
Now let’s be honest — no one likes being called out on their B.S. It’s embarrassing, it’s humbling and it feels like an attack.
But it’s how we respond to these concerns — with understanding and not with a complete emotional turnoff — that predicts how things will proceed in the future.
You can’t just cry or stop talking to your partner when they call you out — especially if you know deep down their concerns are reasonable. But hey, Ask Abby is a person too, I get why the natural response is to run away from the threat.
But no healthy, long-term relationship will ever prosper on emotional unavailability and a lack of understanding.
So…. What is there to do?
I know I’m supposed to have all the answers, but there are times where I fall victim to my emotions and completely shut down too.
It’s hard not to feel like you’ve built things up in your head, and it’s even harder to just be direct with how you feel.
I like to compare the art of not shutting down to something akin to throwing up. Think about how awful you’re feeling holding all this emotion inside of you — carrying it around morning, day and night.
Then, picture how amazing you’d feel if you just got the word vomit out and made your concerns not just voiced, but heard.
It’s easier said than done, but as we learn as children — you need to know when to stop hiding away and use your big adult words, or when to own up to your actions.
Huh, who would’ve thought preschool rules would be applicable to the dating world?
