Dear Abby: I don’t know how to say this but…how do you deal with mental health in relationships? Should I not be dating at all if I’m struggling? I’m worried I might treat my boyfriend like he’s my therapist.
Mental health is kind of like that pet goldfish your parents got you in elementary school.
Pretty much everyone had one, but not everyone knew how to take care of it — and they probably still don’t.
Let’s put it this way — everyone has mental health that is constantly changing and evolving. Sometimes we feel like we’re at our peak, like we have it all together. Other times, we might hit new lows, and that’s perfectly normal.
It’s not something that just impacts internally, but also how we interact with others socially.
When you’re dating, understanding how to care for and communicate about your mental health —and your partner’s — is the difference between a relationship that thrives and one that sinks faster than that goldfish when you forgot to clean the bowl for a few weeks.
But the more I thought about what it means to be a dependable partner, I couldn’t help but wonder where the line is drawn between being someone’s loving partner and their therapist.
Don’t be scared to reveal your struggles
Like I said, everyone has a mental health, and I’m sure we all have had times where we’ve struggled.
No matter how much times have changed, it still feels like there’s this inherent stigma around confessing you’re not doing well.
We don’t want people to worry, and we definitely don’t want their pity — especially someone we’re romantically drawn to. It just feels like an instant turnoff.
But sometimes, even I forget we’re all human, and with that humanness comes a sense of empathy. Your partner may never understand what you’re going through fully, but being transparent about your struggles can better help them support you.
Mental health also looks different for everyone. Sometimes, your struggle could come off as being dismissive or moody to outsiders who aren’t aware of your situation. Being as open as you’re comfortable will only allow your relationships, romantic and not, to prosper.
I stand by my assertion that part of the reason we welcome friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and partners into our lives is to have someone we care about to depend on.
Part of the responsibility we take on by accepting someone’s invitation into their closer circle is being an ear for them to talk to.
Girls are great at this as we easily build connections with other women.
Have you ever noticed how women can walk into a public bathroom and emerge with three new best friends? That’s a superpower, people.
Emotional rollercoasters require two tickets
We don’t have to pretend like relationships are always smooth sailing. We all have ups and downs — mental health dips, stress from work and relationship drama.
Having someone who can sit beside you while you’re both freaking out is part of the ride.
You’re not in it alone.
It’s about having that one person who’s there to laugh with you when you both realize you’re overthinking the same stupid thing for the seventh time today.
Still, this ride requires one crucial component — emotional support.
It’s more than just sitting there nodding your head while your partner spirals. It’s about offering a comforting hand, letting them unload and reminding them that this, too, shall pass.
Like any good ride at the amusement park, some moments are terrifying, but with the right person next to you, it becomes a lot more bearable.
Love isn’t therapy — and that’s a good thing
Sometimes, we can love and support someone to our heart’s fullest content — but still not have all the answers for them. There is a time and place for an objective source, like a therapist, to step in and help.
A romantic relationship is about partnership, not therapy. While they can be a huge emotional support, they can’t fix everything for you — and neither can you for them.
The key is to support each other, communicate clearly and seek professional help when needed.
When we go to people begging for answers they don’t have, we might find that we’re putting strain on them, even unintentionally.
It’s like asking someone to solve a Rubik’s Cube when they don’t even know how to hold it — they’ll try, and they’ll want to help because they love you, but ultimately, it’s frustrating for both sides.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk through your struggles with your partner — it’s normal to need a listening ear, to ask for advice or to vent when things feel heavy.
But when you’re relying on your partner as your sole source of emotional guidance or therapy, you’re not allowing them to simply be your partner. You’re expecting them to be something they’re not — and that can lead to burnout, resentment or emotional distance.
Empathy is not one-sided
I know that I felt for a long time that my personal struggles were so unique that I could never bring them up to my friends — let alone someone I was dating.
No one wants to come off as “broken,” and certainly, you don’t want to accidentally turn those around you into your personal therapist. But there is a power in being able to talk about your problems, even to people who can’t give you all the answers.
That’s where our little friend “empathy” comes into play.
It doesn’t take someone with a medical license to have a sense of compassion and understanding for what you’re going through. When you date someone who truly cares about you, you’ll realize they won’t be judgmental — they’ll be supportive.
But on that same note, remember there is also power in realizing that just talking to someone about your problem isn’t sufficient enough, and sometimes you need to look into professional sources.
Empathy is not one-sided, neither is mental health and neither is love.
